Un cobarde es incapaz de mostrar amor, es la prerrogativa de los valientes.-Paulo Coelho
For my non-Spanish speaking friends, the loose translation is that cowards are incapable of showing love, for that is the prerogative of the brave. A good friend of mine posted this just recently, and I so needed those words right now. I needed this right now, because I am confused. I know what I want in my life, in a person, but I can't wrap my head around what that is going to look like. Do I set up another online profile? Do I cruise the gay bars? Am I brave enough to keep trying?
Compounding the confusion is self-doubt. Maybe the rain is getting to me, or maybe I'm just having a series of days in which the head rats are winning. Definitely not feeling like "the shit", definitely feeling unattractive, definitely wondering if I could be what anyone finds appealing. This uncomfortable feeling will pass, but it is crippling in the short-term.
As I type this, P (you remember, the married one) calls me. He's saying that I'm beautiful, that the sex we had was the best he's ever had, that he's never met anyone like me... and can we meet just one last time, for old time's sake. No, P. I do not want to meet up with you. I do not want to fuck you, and you will not be what gives me back my groove. I'll admit, it's nice to be called beautiful and good in bed by a gorgeous man, but there is nothing in the half-assed, jack-assed dead cat that he is offering me that I find the least bit tempting.
I just... I'm wary of exploring, and I feel like being brave has turned me into target practice. The exploring - especially of the sexual kind - is usually fun for me, but the rejection on the relationship level has been surprising and painful. Still, when I'm told, "you'll find love when you stop looking for it", I want to hit the person saying that. I actually wrote a several paragraph rant about that tired-ass trope, but it's raining outside, and what I really want is to fall asleep in someone's arms to the sound of the rain hitting the ground.
It is difficult to be straight forward about wanting to be in a relationship when you're told that that kind of honesty is scary to other people. I've been thinking about this for several days, and I think my confusion is fear, and that I've been buying into other people's projections. It's easy to feel ridiculous and lose your nerve when what you're doing is too scary for others to contemplate.
Another thing is that I have got to get ok with my own physical preferences, because trying to not seem judgmental is another source of doubt and confusion, and it's totally unnecessary. While what I like physically can be pretty broad, I am attracted to confidence, masculinity, strength, and style - I definitely want to be the girl in the relationship. If a person wears child molester glasses and ill-fitting clothes, I can't hang. As for what makes my lady parts perk up, think Abraham Benrubi, Hugo Reyes, kd lang, and Hamish (the big ginger from Braveheart - totally a sucker for a man in a kilt).
On that note, I am looking for someone who is equally brave, someone that knows how to love with freedom and trust, someone who gets that the best relationship is one in which there are two distinct individuals. I want someone who understands that a strong relationship can be light and fun - titanium as opposed to weapons grade steel. I suspect that people who need love to sneak up on them never really set appropriate personal boundaries to begin with, and they end up feeling smothered in their relationships. They can keep their scaredy cat views, I don't want any of that.
I guess for me the bravery has to come in trusting that I'm moving in the right direction, even if I am confused, even if it is not the normal path to take. I feel like I sometimes both repeat and contradict myself - I want LOVE (the kind with wings)! I want SEX (lots of it - monogamously, even)! I want HONEST DISCOURSE (followed by tied-to-the-headboard intercourse)! I want BRAVERY! I want FREEDOM!
Eh, you'll get used to it.