tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56408021292832570722024-03-13T12:51:51.874-07:00Crazy HeartLove (and life) ain't for the faint of heartcaseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-13809213501335696082017-03-09T11:37:00.002-08:002017-03-09T11:37:29.796-08:00PainfulFor the last three weeks or so, I've been in pain. My back has, it seems, always been fragile, but I've worked very hard to keep it in check - lots and lots of yoga and core work to keep things just right.<br />
<br />
Turns out, I was living much closer to 'not right' than I'd ever imagined. After the seemingly innocent task of bending over to wash my dog, I straightened and knew there was a problem. I thought it was the same problem I had crop up from time to time (especially when I crouch to wash my dog) - a bit of lower back pain that goes away relatively quickly with a little rest, some extra core work, maybe a couple of Advil. But this was not the same problem. This was sciatica.<br />
<br />
I've never had sciatica before, though I knew it to be a painful condition. And it is. It suuuuuuucks. It's not just lower back pain; now my ass has started getting involved. Holy criminey, that shit is painful. It feels like I am sitting on a stretched bruise, and the feeling of pain has been going down my legs and up my back and into my hips the more I dealt with this situation. I let a whole week of this shit go by, thinking that at any moment my back would start to feel fine again.<br />
<br />
Yeah, that didn't happen.<br />
<br />
So, I went to my doc, got some pain meds and a recommendation for a Physical Therapist. I'm now back from my second PT visit, and I tell you what - I feel like I have barely improved, that I don't even know how to move my own body, and I'm scared that temporary injury is about to become permanent pain. Like, really scared. I know that the PT gets this a lot because after every session she sends an encouraging email. Like, it's probably company policy to send encouragement after every session because the progress is so incremental. But I kinda need those stupid emails, because I'm still in pain, and still very frustrated.<br />
<br />
And it's only been 3.5 weeks.<br />
<br />
I can't imagine what chronic, years-long pain does to a person. And, to the best of my ability, I don't intent to find out. Once again, though, life is showing me the other side of things. Like, maybe the people who piss me off for driving so slowly are doing so because pain cuts down on their reaction times, and they still have to get to work. Or maybe dishes don't get done because the act of bending to put a damned dish away sets off days worth of pain. Or maybe someone seems flaky or selfish for not showing up, when all they're really doing is trying to avoid current and future pain.<br />
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Pain is teaching me deep lessons. I hope I don't need to keep learning these lessons for long.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-20475205865483008252016-11-21T16:26:00.000-08:002017-03-06T11:11:16.187-08:00Alternative UniversesSo, I just cried while brushing my teeth. I'd just let the dogs out before putting them to bed. The sky was especially clear and the stars were especially bright, and I looked up just so that I could feel small. I've had to reduce the politics in my various social media feeds because it's hurting me. Like, physically making my chest hurt with anxiety and sadness.<br />
<br />
And yet... there are people in this country that think, or at least hope, that the election of Donald Trump is a good thing, and that it gets the country going in the right direction. And I'm thinking about my history classes, and I'm thinking about the racist, misogynistic rhetoric, the words that match so closely to the fascists of the early 20th century, and I just... I'm dumbfounded. Then I see this Murderer's Row of cabinet picks and advisers, and I'm sick to my stomach.<br />
<br />
It makes me feel like I've just stepped into an alternate universe.<br />
<br />
Which is both true and untrue. For there are more Americas than I realized, but these have always been here. America has always been this way, and I am just now seeing it for the first time. I didn't think that anyone, save for the most avowed, unrepentant racist, could vote for someone who called Mexican immigrants rapists. The way he mocked the reporter with arthrogryposis, the way he talked down to the Gold Star mother? I mean, I would understand if Clinton lost to Romney, or McCain or even Ryan... but to lose to the Pussy Grabber guy? To the racist? I was taught that racist was about the worst, most awful, most terrible thing that you can be, and that you should try very, very hard to, at the bare minimum, not be a racist. I swear, it feels like he won BECAUSE of his rhetoric, not despite it.<br />
<br />
And it's whipping my head around to hear people say that the economy is in the shitter - are you kidding me? What the hell are they talking about?<br />
<br />
But that's where the alternative universe kicks in. I live and work in the Austin, TX area, one of the most vibrant, diverse, economically fruitful places to live in the States. I do not live in Southern Louisiana. Or Ohio. Or Michigan. Or Pennsylvania. Places where globalization has hurt, not helped the people living there, many of whom are hard-working individuals who are watching the world rise up and progress around them. This did not happen over night, and it will not be fixed over night.<br />
<br />
I think to the pages and pages of detail in Clinton's website - her very specific ideas for helping people in these areas. I and think to the unscripted vagaries of Trump's promises, and I wonder why they could possibly think that would work? Facts and figures vs. bluster, and the bluster won. But you know, Clinton spent no time in those states, and even though she had a plan, she didn't spend a lot of time talking about it to the people being rogered by globalization. And when she did, she didn't speak to the people. God, she is a shit campaigner, and not trustworthy in the eyes of people who just want you to look in their eyes and tell them sincerely that you've got their backs. Seriously, that's it. If they can look you in the eye, they'll trust you, because a lot of these are good people. I know that because I traveled the country for my job, and I know these people.<br />
<br />
And yet.<br />
<br />
These are the same people who say making it about race just makes it worse, who dismiss entirely the voices of people laying bare their hurt and anger and fear. Just as I couldn't imagine someone else's bad economy because I live in my blue, prosperous bubble, perhaps they couldn't imagine how voting in someone who, in their mind, had great ideas, despite his 'problematic language', will cause real harm to people of color, the disabled, trans and queer folks, because the worst of him will not affect their daily lives.<br />
<br />
The Friday after the election results, my friend T dragged me to a celebratory karaoke (my lawyer friend won local recognition, and it really was a big deal). And many of us were still in pain, but we still wanted to sing and to celebrate our dear friend. And what I found was that it was the country songs that spoke to my soul, and made me feel that there might be a way out of this. And that struck me as odd. How the sounds which originated from white Appalachian folk and black Southern blues could so beautifully capture the pain of missed opportunities, and heart break, and the need for a change. The similarities, I think, were not accidental.<br />
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How convenient for the ruling class that the two groups with the most in common are at each others' throats. I mean, how does one even begin to pull our groups together - for if we worked together, we'd have the politicians on the run. While there is much where we can agree to disagree, we would have to acknowledge that racism (prejudice + institutional power) exists, and that there are whole communities of all colors that have been decimated by technology and globalization, with no good solutions around keeping these places vibrant and successful once the money-makers no longer had any use for them. We would have to see both our conservative and liberal neighbors as good people and patriots.<br />
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And maybe that's a bridge too far.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-24428459808595727392011-09-06T14:32:00.001-07:002011-09-06T14:32:34.650-07:00Oh Hell, I should have just posted this:http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2011/09/on-fat-hatred-and-eliminationism.html<br />
<br />
Melissa says it better than I ever could.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-64144318536626762312011-09-05T16:34:00.000-07:002011-09-06T07:18:46.299-07:00A Friendly Debate on Fat PeopleI started a bit of a friendly debate on Facebook by posting this link: <br />
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}"><span style="font-size: small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><a href="http://red3.blogspot.com/2011/09/continued-failure-of-fat-people.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://red3.blogspot.com/2011/<wbr></wbr><span class="word_break"></span>09/continued-failure-of-fat-pe<wbr></wbr><span class="word_break"></span>ople.html</a></span></span></h6><br />
That a respectful back-and-forth on the subject of food, exercise and weight could be held - on Facebook, no less - says a lot about the people involved, as this is a subject often fraught with imperatives, judgement, and shame. As it turns out, they were debating on the finer points of a larger subject that they both generally agreed on, namely that most people would benefit from good food and moderate exercise.<br />
<br />
One of the participants in the FB point-counter point (whom I'll call Person A) quotes,<br />
<blockquote>"<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">those who tend to be fat will have to constantly battle their genetic inheritance if they want to reach and maintain a significantly lower weight." </span></blockquote><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"></span><br />
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">which he followed up with, </span><br />
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"></span><br />
<blockquote><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">"</span><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"> I may have to work harder than others, but I can increase muscle mass and decrease body fat - and maintain it, just like anyone else" </span></blockquote><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">and </span><br />
<blockquote><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"> "</span><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">If we focused on becoming stronger, and eating a diverse variety of foods which were devoid of bad shit, we'd all be healthier. Weight loss would be an inevitable side effect for the majority of people.... but I'd agree that weighing a certain amount is not a goal unto itself. Being strong, being able to run a few miles without falling over, those are goals everyone should share."</span></blockquote><br />
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">These remarks are some of the least inflammatory I've seen on health and weight in a public forum, and on the surface seem quite reasonable. I mean, eating well and being able to run a few miles without keeling over are admirable goals, right?</span><br />
<br />
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" /><br />
<br />
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">Please re-read those well-thought out words again, and see if you can spot what I spotted. Even Person A admitted that this is a standard he cannot reach. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">The person on counterpoint (whom I'll call Person B) included these equally thoughtful words, </span><br />
<br />
<blockquote><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">"</span><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">When we concentrate on the visual change it COULD cause, it discourages people from continuing that positive behavior if they don't see a change. Whether it does for some people or not, the reason for it should be to feel good, physically and emotionally... hinging it all on some number takes away from the joy of it and keeps people from continuing." </span></blockquote><br />
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">And my favorite:</span><br />
<br />
<blockquote><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">"</span>I'd like to see people who are confident and happy with themselves. Who can use their body as they would like to without being told that they don't or can't do something."<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"></span></blockquote><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"></span><br />
Do you see the difference now? <br />
<br />
I posted the link because I believe, as the author does, that the intense focus on weight loss has been both a massive failure and actively destructive to fat people especially (though not exclusively). Additionally, and most personal to me, when both experts and the general public speak histrionically or piously or authoritatively of health, they conveniently forget mental health and the complicated relationship that the current atmosphere creates around fatness and food and movement and sense of self. People forget about the concept of agency, and instead mistakenly believe that over-simplification and shame will somehow magically change the corpulence of our nation. <br />
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In short, Person B and I have an issue with the Should.<br />
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Those of you familiar with my drunken slam poetry might recall that my threshold for Shoulds is quite low. I feel my fight response rise up when I hear people opine that fat people Should be making every effort to make themselves thinner. To be clear, Person A was in completely different league of discussion, but I'm going to disagree with his assertion that "weight loss would be an inevitable side effect" of a healthier lifestyle, mainly because what constitutes a healthier lifestyle begins well short of being able to swim or run several miles a day.<br />
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While I genuinely believe that healthier habits encourage stronger, more mentally stable and more metabolically sound bodies, I just don't agree that it makes for thinner bodies. The <a href="http://www.ars.usda.gov/is/AR/archive/mar06/health0306.htm">USDA study on HAES</a> also disagrees, and demonstrates that the focus on health instead of weight, while useful in improving metabolic markers, created almost no change in weight. Additionally, health and circumstance are so individual that the ability to run a 5k and eating only food "completely devoid of bad shit" could be a fairly meaningless set of comparatives. More importantly, I really don't think that any of it is a requirement for walking through the world unmolested by the Shouldy Police.<br />
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<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">And this is where Brian is asking for better, and where Person B is going with her argument. </span>The message we receive in a constant stream from media, loved ones and enemies is that fat people Should (ah, there's that word again) make the pursuit of health via weight loss-inducing activities our most important goal. I wonder sometimes if they just don't understand the magnitude of maintaining the body in a state that goes against its genetic and environmental indicators. I wonder if they don't get that maintaining is a full-time job. And I wonder why they can't grok that this kind of constant struggle simply doesn't work for me. <br />
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<br />
Over the last decade I've been carefully incorporating more healthy habits into my life. I love caring for myself, and I love my life, and I want to be active and happy as many of the days of my life that are possible, and I believe that these healthy habits are in alignment with those goals. While doing this, I have to take into account my mental health and my personal history with weight loss dieting and my step-dad's creepy weight-based emotional abuse, and I have to navigate the difficult association that these healthy habits have with activities of a weight-loss bent.<br />
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And that's the nut of it, isn't it? The expectation that healthy habits will cure obesity create an atmosphere fraught with triggers and dangers for those of us who've suffered for our weight. We can't simply take on healthy habits to care for ourselves, we have to carry the weight of expectation, we are forced, by every commercial and weight loss book and Jamie Oliver special, to focus on a desired end point, rather than the journey.<br />
<br />
We live in an atmosphere that gives no quarter for our own sense of what's best for ourselves, because there is a veritable army of people willing to tell us what to do. If we should disagree, or simply decide not to, we are accused of needing to get real, to stop deluding ourselves. And this, in my mind, is the worst of it - that the thing we are told on a daily basis is that we cannot trust our own experience. I can't think of anything more insidious than to make someone doubt their own reality.<br />
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So this is more complicated than can be fully described by the written word, but I felt it so necessary to try. Brian's post demonstrated his passion for acceptance and anger at those that would work against such concepts for the purpose of making money, and when he demands better, he says a truth that I feel down to my toes.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-10518101374208199512011-08-17T15:37:00.000-07:002011-08-17T15:37:43.031-07:00I wrote this a while back, and never published it... <br />
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Sorry for taking so long to get back to you - I've been traveling in areas where I have a lot of family, so I've been traveling and visiting what seems like nonstop for a few weeks now. Additionally, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed with some important decisions coming my way regarding career, school, exercise, and my own mental health. I decided to give myself some time to shut out the noise and really feel what it is that I want to do. <br />
<br />
Essentially, I've come to the conclusion that I will NOT be doing anything - ANYTHING - that sucks. <br />
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The general narrative is that some things - school and exercise, especially - are inherently, unavoidably sucky. Excuse me, but fuck that. I've been avoiding those two things because of that narrative, and I'm done with it. There's got to be a way to make these things fulfilling and enjoyable, and I'll be damned if I'm going to do it any other way. So, of course, the scary part is figuring out a new way of doing / thinking about these things so that a) they won't suck, and b) they are part of the flow of my life.<br />
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This brings me to Kung Fu. I have both loved and been greatly fearful of my Kung Fu classes. At first I thought it was just nerves; starting something new can be scary, and being bad at something is part of getting good at something and that whole thing. While fear is often something to be pushed through, it is just as frequently a messenger, and in this case the level of fear and anxiety was telling me that I'm not ready for these classes. I asked a professional trainer for her advice, and she agreed with my assessment.<br />
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It was incredibly difficult to cancel my classes, and this brought up some pretty painful stuff from my history that had to be worked through.Without going into too much detail, I'd managed to anxiety hop my way from feeling like a failure at the Kung Fu classes to dredging up a lot of guilt about some decisions I'd made in the service of my own self-care. When I need time to myself to work things out in my head, I feel guilty about taking time from my friends and family. When I decide that I cannot be around my father or my ex step dad, I feel guilt about hurting my father's feelings, or hurting my sister because I can't be around her dad, since it limits my attendance at family gatherings.<br />
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It turns out that taking care of myself, finding joy, and avoiding things that suck aren't just what's best for me, they are what's best for the people around me. I don't have to disguise my anxiety about certain situations, I don't have to agree to the un-agreeable, and I can choose which fears to push through, and which to honor. I'm sure a lot of this seems basic stuff, stuff that a 36 year old woman would have figured out by now, but it is a revelation to me, and I am so grateful that, even though late, I've learned these lessons at all.<br />
==================<br />
...a few months down the road and I am still feeling a little (though slightly less) anxious about what to do with my life. As with most things, it comes down to money and time. I'd love to say that it's worth whatever debt I'd get into to become exactly what I want to be; however, a) career-wise, I feel spectacularly passionate about exactly nothing, and b) I've had a sneaking suspicion that the careers in which I'd excel would underpay me at exactly the same rate in which I am currently being underpaid. Putting myself into significant debt for something I'm not passionate about and would reap little or no financial benefit seems like a bad idea.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">However, I have another sneaking suspicion that going to school and getting a degree will be rewarding in ways that I haven't yet figured out, and I can visualize the future opening up in ways I haven't anticipated. I've always had the feeling that I'd be a late bloomer, at least compared to my sisters, who have had specific career choices / goals in mind from the get-go. While I genuinely enjoy the training that I do, it is not enough, and I think I'm almost there about figuring out what would be enough.</div><br />
For shits and giggles I took an online career <a href="http://www.selectsmart.com/PRO/sellinkjobs.html">quiz</a>, with results listed below:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmiqsgPg5fwKlCydTNrL8RYKJV1CusCO70tpkd2R3qTK1wu60VGuempn8LEGA7pQQ5HcbugSIsTiuULWQoUy3n0oy-Iz-khgAjOG7HJ9No-Wov67YwJhoRsUnJRxWwFURtM9Qle4js6KnT/s1600/Best+Jobs+for+You.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmiqsgPg5fwKlCydTNrL8RYKJV1CusCO70tpkd2R3qTK1wu60VGuempn8LEGA7pQQ5HcbugSIsTiuULWQoUy3n0oy-Iz-khgAjOG7HJ9No-Wov67YwJhoRsUnJRxWwFURtM9Qle4js6KnT/s1600/Best+Jobs+for+You.bmp" /></a></div><br />
1,2,6, & 10 are careers to which I've already given serious consideration, so it's good that I've been on the right path, at least kind of. I wish I could be more clear about my next steps, but when I know, you'll know. :)caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-45384664599272541442011-05-07T00:05:00.000-07:002011-05-11T09:10:37.369-07:00Soooo close, yet not reallySo I've talked in the past about trying to figure out where I want to go, career-wise. I'd like to travel way less, and I've decided on some kind of formal education, but I still need to make money and work on my skills in the interim. I spoke with various managers at my company about possible job opportunities, and found out about one that seemed like a nice fit.<br />
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It was (notice the past tense) my understanding that the position requires less travel, but still has a great consulting and training piece, and would help me to work on becoming more detail-oriented, all while able to attend a local college. Growth and fit, all in one job! So then I set out to (massively over-)prepare for the interview, and I was looking forward to the opportunity to show my colleagues what I could bring to the role.<br />
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But then I actually did the interview (5 rotating interviewers, 3 hours total, someone bring a drink please), and saw that the position was more of a secretary to the person doing all of the cool consulting and training shit. On the way home I had a real moment of clarity and realized that not only I would NOT like this job, I realized that I have already had this kind of job and hated it. I mean, there was a pretty damn good reason why I no longer did that kind of work - I can do the detail-oriented stuff to an extent, but I. DON'T. LIKE. IT. <br />
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I am simply not detail-oriented. There, I said it. I'm just not. Now, I can organize pretty well, but at my own pace, and with my own hierarchy, and I can scope the big picture like a motherfucker. So why in the name of my mother's grits would I choose to do something that I actively dislike, especially since there are others out there who are so much better at that kind of thing?<br />
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Yeah, I couldn't think of a good answer to that one, either. <br />
<br />
Not only that, one of my favorite coworkers is also up for the job, and he would be perfect for it. So I withdrew my name as a candidate and told them I believed that they should seriously consider him.<br />
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There's a bit of a feeling of let-down, especially since I put so much effort into the prep, but I am generally feeling pretty great about this decision. I actually used the interview as an opportunity to see if I would like the job, and when found out I didn't, I didn't fight to make it right. It's not right, and I am so fucking DONE with trying to fashion myself to fit a popular job description.<br />
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So I'm left with this wrung out / kind of thrilled feeling about this bit of personal evolution - not only did I dodge a bad career decision, I somehow clarified my strengths. I have no idea where to go next, but I have a sneaking suspicion that something will rise up to meet me soon enough. Whatever I end up doing, it will be in the direction of my natural and learned talents, because I am officially too old for that other shit.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-64643469892552788472011-05-02T08:53:00.000-07:002011-05-02T08:53:21.630-07:00Unsettled(Repost from my <a href="http://caseyatthebatcrazyheart.tumblr.com/post/5133784888/unsettled">Tumblr</a>) <br />
<br />
The news of Bin Laden’s death brought to mind the crushing sorrow and uncertainty that I (and so many) felt when I saw the live shot of the towers falling. I was angry, and wanted someone to PAY. Some motherfucker had just destroyed, not only thousands of lives, but thousands of families.<br />
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Through the years I’ve had time to reflect - we talk about 9/11 constantly, like it was the worst thing that happened, ever. It was so terrible, and yet… terrible numbers of people die every day from war, famine, poverty, lack of access, often at the hands of American forces and policies. We bemoan the tragic loss of that one day, but seem so disconnected from the day to day realities of our own bloodied hands.<br />
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Even the incursion that killed Bin Laden no doubt killed innocents, as have many of the battles in this war. We have killed far more innocents than were murdered on that grave and horrible day.<br />
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And yet.<br />
<br />
The fist pump on the news of his death was automatic and satisfying. I wanted him dead. I didn’t want a trial. I didn’t want to hear any words from him. I was glad that he’d been taken out. Fuck you, you fucking motherfucker.<br />
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Of course, it occurs to me that this retaliatory sentiment is what feeds the fire, allowing the rancor and murderous hatred of one another to continue. I said Avada Kedavra, the killing curse from Harry Potter, and yet… as I recall in the book, my new hero never did. Not even when battling face to face the man who killed his parents, not even after having seen him continue to kill so many of his friends and loved ones.<br />
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I’ll think on this for a while, not sure that I’ll ever fully reconcile these twin desires for vengeance and peace. Though, maybe that’s what it’s like for those in the middle of all of this fighting - tired of the death and destruction, yet unable to put down the sword.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-35381119360911528032011-04-23T21:53:00.000-07:002011-04-23T21:56:09.553-07:00How I Got Here I was having a conversation with a friend about some of the people in her life that just couldn't seem to get it - the 'it' having to do with harnessing one's own power via self-acceptance. A man that she likes very much and is attracted to simply doesn't understand her attraction to him. As it happens, he is chubby, and this makes him feel that he does not deserve her, no matter how much she tells him that she adores his body type. He doesn't get it, and it's ruining things for them. As you can imagine, this feeling affects other areas of his life, and it is difficult for my friend to watch this happening.<br />
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<br />
We continued to talk about it for some time, and I said that what he hasn't figured out yet is that haters gonna hate. She quickly said that no one hates him - he's a great guy, and she wished he'd stop assuming that people are judging him for his weight. I explained that, even when surrounded by non-judgmental people that love and support you, there's no getting around the judgment that society heaps on fat people. So yes, there are haters out there. And they gotta job to do.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://images.mylot.com/userImages/images/postphotos/2451185.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://images.mylot.com/userImages/images/postphotos/2451185.jpg" width="205" /></a></div><br />
That, however, does not mean that he or anyone else has to accept that hatred as any kind of real assessment of one's own personal value. I love this internet meme because it reminds me that, no matter what I do to conform to the will and wishes of others, people are still gonna hate, so I might as well be me. Even if I did manage some kind of conformity, it would be a poor substitute for someone who is naturally the ideal. And those haters would still hate.<br />
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Having dealt with her share of dieting boyfriends, my friend wondered aloud if those guys would ever pick up on the fact that they kept coming back to the same weight. I admitted that it took me a full 10 years to get to that point, and that it involved more than one rock bottom. She wanted to know how I'd come to be this way - what led me down this path towards accepting myself in the face of, well, society at large. <br />
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I had to be honest, it all started with a diet plan. Mind you, I didn't call it a diet plan, it was a 'lifestyle change' (the last of dozens I'd attempted). Of course, the goal of my lifestyle change was to lose weight, so really, it was just another diet with more syllables. Nevermind the noise I made about wanting to be healthier - I wanted to be thinner, more acceptable, less shameful in my existence. And yet, as I embarked once more with my food journals and weigh-ins, I felt deep down that I would not be able to sustain any weight loss. I was honestly trying to be positive, but something in me kept pinging, saying that this, too, wouldn't keep. This made me feel that I was deeply broken, piling on layers of fat to combat my childhood, for surely that was the reason.<br />
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So I stopped looking for diets, and started reading about eating disorders, attempting to pathologize my size. After reading a number of books that just didn't resonate, I came across When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies (WWSHTB) on the $2 rack in Half Priced Books. The information those $2 gave me proved to be more valuable than anything I'd read before. It was all revolutionary, a full-on rebel assault against everything I'd learned up to that point - legalizing all food, noticing the size and shape of one's body (neutrally, rather than judging it), and finding / honoring one's hunger and need for comfort - it was a brainshock to read these words. Normalizing my relationship with food didn't result in weight loss, but I didn't care because I was finally free of the diet / binge cycle that had been wearing me down.<br />
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Secondly, I read The Obesity Myth by Paul Campos. If WWSHTB freed me, this book found my rage. Seeing fully for the first time how weight-bias is woven into the fabric of this society made me want to throw things. Sharp things, at people's heads. It turns out, human physiology and DNA win out over external forces almost. every. damn. time. Oddly enough, it's not as if the weight-loss industries don't know this, quite the opposite in fact - they depend on it (along with human psychology, which makes people think that 'results not typical' excludes them). Repeat customers, as any 3 year old can tell you, are good for business. Listening to diet talk after reading that book was like nails on chalkboard. I felt like Keanu Reeves waking up with a shaven head in a goo-filled pod, Dorothy as she pulled back the curtain. <br />
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I'd finally grown enough as a person to realize that having someone else attempt to dictate how I should live, what I should look like and how I should eatmovebreathefuck just wasn't working any more. I felt weak in the knees with these revelations, like a newborn calf, still wet with afterbirth, on knees too wobbly to move. So I read. And I read some more. And I found online forums and blogs and books and scientific studies that had me shouting at the computer screen, so angry at the line of carefully packaged bullshit I'd been fed all my life. And with the anger, I began to stand my ground.<br />
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Being fat, at first I didn't want people to think that I was ridiculous for accepting myself, or that perhaps I was using self-acceptance as an excuse to be lazy, so I didn't say much, not knowing if I could handle a confrontation about my weight. Soon I accepted that working hard against myself isn't the same as work ethic or self-discipline, and slowly I gave up feeling ridiculous. I am not immune to doubts, or wanting to fit into the societal standard (if only to make business travel more comfortable), but my belief in myself is stronger than my doubts, and you can bet that took hard work.<br />
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So that's it, really. I came to self-acceptance through the door of size acceptance, and everything cracked open from there. I would hope that everyone can find their way to self-acceptance -as I told my friend, it has freed up precious mental energy and allowed me to steer my life in ways I never thought imaginable. caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-13772381533652891842011-02-10T20:11:00.000-08:002011-02-11T09:07:11.688-08:00Shouldn't I know this by now?This is a bit embarrassing to admit... but I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I mean, I have an idea of what I'm good at so far, and what I absolutely hate / suck at... but I can't commit to a career in any one area.<br /><br />This oversight has become a glaring problem because some events at work have made me realize that I need to take more control over the trajectory of my career. Frankly, that whole thought spiral made me break out into a cold sweat. Seriously, I was balled up on the couch, head in the girlfriend's lap, staring into space for a good 30 minutes. It goes something like this:<br /><br />My boss overlooked me for a project that would have given me more exposure to upper management > My boss has done this a number of times, and it makes me feel like he doesn't respect me > He only thinks I can do this one thing > What if I can only do this one thing? > Bullshit, your reviews are great, and the compliments from clients are pretty steady > Yeah, but you don't have a degree and CB does (story for another time), and even though she hasn't contributed nearly as much, he still thinks that her degree makes her more qualified > So I should look into getting a degree > What degree should I get?> This isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life > But what do I want to do for the rest of my life?>I want to go to school full time > But I can't afford that. > But I want to try out a bunch of different things > But you don't have the luxury > OK, but if I'm going to pay for college, it should be something good, right? > Wait, what if I pay for college and end up with a worthless degree in an area I find completely boring in 4 years? > What is it I want again? >What if I'm stuck in a career I hate + have $30,000 in debt to show for it? > Well shit, if you don't get a move on it, that college degree is going to cost $50AHHHHHH.<br /><br />Pretty impressive, huh?<br /><br />Well, it's more exhausting than impressive, really. SO. What to do. I know! I'll make a list. I'll list the things I like, the things I know I'm good at, the things I'd like to be good at, and go from there.<br /><br />Things I'm good at / like doing:<br /><ul><li>Public speaking</li><li>Explaining things in a way that make sense</li><li>Empathizing</li><li>Problem-solving</li><li>Motivating people</li><li>Finding the good in people</li><li>Being funny / witty<br /></li><li>Engaging people</li><li>Teaching</li><li>Listening</li><li>Supporting people</li><li>Figuring out the right combination of colors to dye my own hair</li><li>Following recipes / cooking<br /></li><li>Learning languages (though it's been a while)</li><li>Making friends</li><li>Accepting myself / my body / my past / my responsibilities / other people as they are</li><li>Being honest about what I want</li><li>Reading people</li><li>Traveling / exploring new towns</li><li>Figuring out the root cause of problems (even if this knowledge is wholly unhelpful)</li><li>Girl sex (A made me add this one, but it's totes true)<br /></li></ul>Things I'm bad at / hate doing<br /><ul><li>Pretending to care when I really don't</li><li>Numbers - putting them together, making them make sense in my head</li><li>Organization</li><li>Time management</li><li>Money management</li><li>Motivating myself to do the mundane aspects of the job</li><li>Traveling in the small airline seats</li><li>Sleeping in hotel beds<br /></li><li>Anything requiring physical coordination</li><li>Dieting</li><li>Data entry (esp. numbers)</li><li>Repetitive tasks</li><li>Being a serious adult</li></ul>Things I'd like to explore / get good at:<br /><ul><li>Organizing</li><li>Time and money management</li><li>People management</li><li>Psychology</li><li>Nutrition</li><li>Fitness while Fat</li><li>Helping others with acceptance issues</li><li>College professor (what subject???) (A - " NOT math! ") History, psychology, business, presentation skills.<br /></li><li>Writing</li><li>Acting (local stage plays, maybe a one-woman show)<br /></li><li>Something that allows for me to have a life outside of my career.<br /></li></ul>I'm sort of giving college professor the hairy eyeball right now. In fact, I've been told a couple of times that I'd be good at this. The amount of schooling to get to that point seems a little daunting, but the best way I've heard it put is this: If it takes 6 years to get both a degree and an advanced degree, those 6 years are going to pass regardless, and you might as well have a degree at the end of that time, rather than more regrets for not doing it. <br /><br />So... what do y'all think? Anything that I've left off? What do you think I'd be good at? Suggestions as to how to go about it / what pitfalls to avoid?caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-73978963458362014402011-01-28T15:47:00.000-08:002011-02-02T09:46:28.955-08:00I'm your problemTo my homosexual friends - I'm sorry. Really, I am. It occurred to me the other day that people like me are the reason that people like you have problems with the general population. See, I'd be willing to bet that there are more like me - those with a sexual fluidity - than there are those like you - no fluidity, just a straight up 6 on the Kinsey scale.<br /><br />I never really thought about it until recently, but I've been attracted to both sexes all of my life. In addition to the cuteboy crushes, I remember feeling funny around girls I thought were attractive. Growing up in the Jehovah's Witness congregation, I'd kissed one elder's son, and played "doctor" with another elder's daughter, mostly out of curiosity and because it felt good. However, without much internal drama, I focused on boys because that was socially - and religiously - acceptable. If I was still a Jehovah's Witness today, I'd focus on men exclusively, with very little thought to the other side of the fence.<br /><br />If I had to guess, I'd bet a lot of these religious types who say that sexuality is a preference are telling the truth - <span style="font-style: italic;">their truth</span>, which happens to include this sexual fluidity. A lot of people assume that if something is true for themselves, it is true for everyone else - which actually is almost never the case, but which might explain why they feel it is so easy to do away with those "sinful" tendencies.<br /><br />I hear a lot of dialogue in gay circles about the fact that sexuality is hardwired, which for many is true, but which is also problematic because it is an incomplete picture. I am not hardwired in any one direction, and I have a fuckton of choice. When I was younger and more religious, I had no problem focusing on guys. I'm no longer a JW, and when I became disillusioned by the dating pool, I decided to check out what was going on in the girls' locker room. I literally woke up one day and decided to date women.<br /><br />And that is why I'm you're problem, my gay friends. People like me are where the gay rights movement gets it wrong. I'm in a gay relationship because I chose to be in one. There are people in the world who have a choice in gender as it regards their heart, and some of those people are judgmental, myopic, religious assholes who can't think beyond their own experience to imagine that it could possibly be different for anyone else. And unfortunately, some of those people are given a stage and a microphone and a budget with which to spew their bile. The gay movement cannot be similarly myopic and assume that no one has a choice, as if bisexuality is only ever that last stop on the train to Gaytown.<br /><br />Clearly, it is vital to discuss the fact that for many people there is no choice, but that can't be the only focus. This is not just about that. The fact of the matter is, choices or no, people are people, dammit. We should demand equal footing because of our fucking humanity, not because our lack or wealth of choice. While there are specific sources online, I maintain that there needs to be more talk of sexual fluidity in the general discussion of gay rights, and not just as it concerns Lindsey Lohan (or on Oprah, where I begrudgingly admit that I first heard the phrase "sexual fluidity"). Until that time, people like me will continue to be a problem for people like you - our choice will continue to be held over your heads until both DNA and choice are viewed as perfectly valid reasons to love someone.<br /><br />So anyway, that's my "aha" moment for this week.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">ETA -</span> Re-reading this makes me realize that I've been in a bit of a bubble, both lately (because I'm soooo in loooove) and in general (because of my previously mostly straight-ish lifestyle). While I've pretty much always felt that gay rights and equality were important for society in general, having a girlfriend has suddenly made this a lot more personal. Coming out of my hetero-normative bubble has been eye-opening, and while that in itself is an experience that is (in my opinion) worthy of writing down, the fact is that I'm just now realizing things that other people have known for a while. <br /><br />I'm getting ahead of myself with phrases like, "this is where the gay rights movement gets it wrong", and frankly, as I look around the blogosphere, there are a number of people that have been having discussions on sexual fluidity - I just hadn't stopped snogging my girlfriend to have a look around. In short, the content stands, but the knowier-than-thou attitude that kinda cropped up there can hopefully be examined and then shown the door.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-74864436681849935292010-12-21T23:56:00.000-08:002010-12-22T07:14:36.617-08:00This should be weirder, right?Ok, so I've been seeing a pretty fabulous gal for almost 3 months now. Fabulous how, you ask? Well, she gets my oddball sense of humor, has zero judgment about my somewhat tawdry past, and is pretty much the best quality human being I've ever personally known. She has a great family, has done some pretty wonderful things with her life, and just took care of my sick, whiny ass with the sweetest demeanor and sense of humor possible.<br /><br />And I keep on wondering when this is going to feel weird. I mean... I'm in a relationship (yup, we're girlfriends) with a woman. Like, she has no penis. A genuine, vag-card carrying woman. A lesbian. So why does this feel so comfortable? I didn't even need a burn-in period.<br /><br />Honestly, the not feeling weird about this whole thing is kinda weirding me out.<br /><br />It started with the friends and family - I thought I'd get at least some push-back from my mother. Nada. Was pretty sure my friends would, I dunno - make fun of me or something. I mean, I am kind of a goofy person, and wouldn't it be just like me to go dating a woman, just for kicks. Nope - nothing but support and well-wishes. I can't even get strangers on the street to look at us funny. Hand-holding and any PDA are generally ignored. Hello, people - can someone make a big deal about this??<br /><br />Anyone? Bueller?<br /><br />Turns out the people in my life genuinely want my happiness, and strangers don't matter / give a fuck. This was... easier than expected.<br /><br />And it's fucking weirding me out!!<br /><br />More than that, there's not a whole lot of drama in our relationship. I mean, it's so fucking peaceful and loving, I make myself sick with the sweetness. There's none of that "does she or doesn't she?". She does. Without reserve or fear. She totally does. It's almost anti-climactic. I find a great person to be with, and it's... wonderful. Calm and wonderful.<br /><br />It took me a few weeks to be ok with that, y'know?<br /><br />So now what the fuck do I do with this blog? I could say something completely cynical, but I'm not going to. Instead, it turns out, there's a lot going on in this wacky head of mine. So, I'll still blog about love, for sure. But it's a big world and a big life, and I have a lot of big ideas. So I'm opening the focus of this here blog, and I hope you'll enjoy the results.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-51354263378265594902010-12-21T15:49:00.000-08:002010-12-21T13:49:44.584-08:00Oh yeah, writingI always think it's so weird when my favorite bloggers apologize after a period of not writing - helloooo, it's a free blog, they don't owe me anything. So this is me not apologizing. <br /><br />Man I suck at this. <br /><br />Ok fine - I'm sorry that it's been a while between posts, but things have been brewing in the Casey universe.<br /><br />First things first - I'm seeing someone. A woman. Woot. We have some mutual friends and have known each other for a while. I had often thought to myself, "Man, if I were ever to date a woman, it should be someone like A." Dur. It finally dawned on me to just date A, and as it turns out, I was right. She's pretty flippin' awesome.<br /><br />But let's not get ahead of ourselves - let's back up to about a week and a half before it occurred to me that I should ask A out. I was at lunch with my favorite blonde bombshell, where I admitted that I was bitter about relationships. That's right - I said out loud that I was angry and bitter and disappointed and sad that my personal life had not only not turned out the way I'd planned, but that it had also been so painful - that pursuing my interest in women seemed like one more way to be rejected (oh yeah - bisexuals are kinda persona non grata in the women-dating-women world). I admitted out loud that I was angry at myself because so much of the pain was my own stubbornness and unwillingness to accept the facts at hand. I copped - finally - to all of the negative and hurtful and soul-crushing doubts that I've been having the whole time.<br /><br />And you know what? I felt better.<br /><br />I mean, not like Julie-Andrews-twirling-in-the-field better, but I felt relief - like when you finally pop that stubborn pimple, or the when the pregnancy test comes up negative after some ill-timed debauchery. I'd been holding in the feelings that I thought would make me appear pathetic, or needy, or desperate. But then I read and re-read some of the posts from my favorite bloggers on the subject of being single when you don't want to be, and I realized that in trying to avoid the judgment of others, I wasn't being real with myself, and that just isn't cricket.<br /><br />It's like admitting to the negative cleared it out of my system - I didn't have to pretend to be hunky dory when I wasn't. And then someone who I'd seen several times suddenly seemed like exactly the right person for me. <br /><br />So anyway, I'm still here, still brewing posts in my head - just haven't taken the time to put them down in blog format. But doing this is so helpful to me, and I hope it is helpful to you guys out there. I'll try to do better at the turn-around, and will post this and get right to work on the weirdness that is dating a woman and not feeling weird about it.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-80566098146324899972010-09-08T14:53:00.000-07:002010-09-14T22:58:42.215-07:00The prerogative of the brave...Un cobarde es incapaz de mostrar amor, es la prerrogativa de los valientes.-Paulo Coelho<br /><br />For my non-Spanish speaking friends, the loose translation is that cowards are incapable of showing love, for that is the prerogative of the brave. A good friend of mine posted this just recently, and I so needed those words right now. I needed this right now, because I am confused. I know what I want in my life, in a person, but I can't wrap my head around what that is going to look like. Do I set up another online profile? Do I cruise the gay bars? Am I brave enough to keep trying?<br /><br />Compounding the confusion is self-doubt. Maybe the rain is getting to me, or maybe I'm just having a series of days in which the head rats are winning. Definitely not feeling like "the shit", definitely feeling unattractive, definitely wondering if I could be what anyone finds appealing. This uncomfortable feeling will pass, but it is crippling in the short-term.<br /><br />As I type this, P (you remember, the married one) calls me. He's saying that I'm beautiful, that the sex we had was the best he's ever had, that he's never met anyone like me... and can we meet just one last time, for old time's sake. No, P. I do not want to meet up with you. I do not want to fuck you, and you will not be what gives me back my groove. I'll admit, it's nice to be called beautiful and good in bed by a gorgeous man, but there is nothing in the half-assed, jack-assed dead cat that he is offering me that I find the least bit tempting. <br /><br />I just... I'm wary of exploring, and I feel like being brave has turned me into target practice. The exploring - especially of the sexual kind - is usually fun for me, but the rejection on the relationship level has been surprising and painful. Still, when I'm told, "you'll find love when you stop looking for it", I want to hit the person saying that. I actually wrote a several paragraph rant about that tired-ass trope, but it's raining outside, and what I really want is to fall asleep in someone's arms to the sound of the rain hitting the ground. <br /><br />It is difficult to be straight forward about wanting to be in a relationship when you're told that that kind of honesty is scary to other people. I've been thinking about this for several days, and I think my confusion is fear, and that I've been buying into other people's projections. It's easy to feel ridiculous and lose your nerve when what you're doing is too scary for others to contemplate. <br /><br />Another thing is that I have got to get ok with my own physical preferences, because trying to not seem judgmental is another source of doubt and confusion, and it's totally unnecessary. While what I like physically can be pretty broad, I am attracted to confidence, masculinity, strength, and style - I definitely want to be the girl in the relationship. If a person wears child molester glasses and ill-fitting clothes, I can't hang. As for what makes my lady parts perk up, think Abraham Benrubi, Hugo Reyes, kd lang, and Hamish (the big ginger from Braveheart - totally a sucker for a man in a kilt). <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_sn8AyZoG9wM/TJBcYqO_4dI/AAAAAAAAAEA/BC4Z9_KfNv8/s1600/abeben.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 181px; height: 264px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_sn8AyZoG9wM/TJBcYqO_4dI/AAAAAAAAAEA/BC4Z9_KfNv8/s320/abeben.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5517011122252669394" /></a><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_sn8AyZoG9wM/TJBc6MBWL-I/AAAAAAAAAEQ/2qelFmYf_zs/s1600/canvas.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 159px; height: 162px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_sn8AyZoG9wM/TJBc6MBWL-I/AAAAAAAAAEQ/2qelFmYf_zs/s320/canvas.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5517011698257899490" /></a><br /><br />On that note, I am looking for someone who is equally brave, someone that knows how to love with freedom and trust, someone who gets that the best relationship is one in which there are two distinct individuals. I want someone who understands that a strong relationship can be light and fun - titanium as opposed to weapons grade steel. I suspect that people who need love to sneak up on them never really set appropriate personal boundaries to begin with, and they end up feeling smothered in their relationships. They can keep their scaredy cat views, I don't want any of that. <br /><br />I guess for me the bravery has to come in trusting that I'm moving in the right direction, even if I am confused, even if it is not the normal path to take. I feel like I sometimes both repeat and contradict myself - I want LOVE (the kind with wings)! I want SEX (lots of it - monogamously, even)! I want HONEST DISCOURSE (followed by tied-to-the-headboard intercourse)! I want BRAVERY! I want FREEDOM!<br /><br />Eh, you'll get used to it.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-67058849509281810382010-08-27T18:44:00.000-07:002010-08-27T19:54:48.046-07:00Just one more thing...I believe in the power of words. I think that they can affect, free, bind, heal, hurt, and move you. I think what you put down, you believe, and move toward. That's why, even when I'm sad or angry or upset, I try to use humor and end on a positive note - so that the last thing you read from me isn't negative.<br /><br />With that in mind, I would like to take the focus off of "The Trouble With Love", and rename this blog Crazy Heart. This name needs almost no explanation for those who know me, though I've also linked the song that inspired it. The lyric "Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try" came to me right when I needed to hear it, and my hope is that my words are also timely for you. <br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/zelvaxvTaUk?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zelvaxvTaUk?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-3276548919195076002010-08-26T14:44:00.000-07:002010-08-27T19:55:06.995-07:00*ding*I think a light bulb just went off in my head. I'm watching this year's <a href="http://www.newsweek.com/video/2010/08/23/exclusive-the-complete-newsweek-emmy-roundtable.html">Emmy Roundtable</a> (Newsweek does this every year and it's pretty cool to see the Emmy nominees sit around a table and talk to each other about film, roles, and acting), and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0186505/">Bryan Kranston</a> of Malcolm in the Middle and Breaking Bad is making all kinds of sense to me.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.newsweek.com/video/2010/08/23/exclusive-the-complete-newsweek-emmy-roundtable.html"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_sn8AyZoG9wM/THhktD25NXI/AAAAAAAAADc/-OMbAxXq9iY/s1600/1282575730653.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_sn8AyZoG9wM/THhktD25NXI/AAAAAAAAADc/-OMbAxXq9iY/s320/1282575730653.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5510264869380240754" /></a></a><br /><br />He's sitting next to <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3182094/">Chris Colfer</a> of Glee, and it is clear that Bryan feels a need to reach out to the younger actor with advice. And it's not from a sense of "listen here, sonny", but rather - hey, this is the hard lesson I learned, and I hope you learn it faster than I did. More than that, it's pretty awesome advice. About an hour into the discussion, he starts talking about the audition process, and there is so much of that which makes sense with the dating process. This is what resonated with me in that section of the interview:<br /><br /><blockquote>"Our job is to create a compelling character that serves the text and ... <span style="font-style:italic;">to give them something</span>, we don't audition to get something. ... If they respond to it, great. If they don't, <span style="font-style:italic;">that's ok, too.</span> If you feel that you're there to get that job, it could only hurt you. You have to detach yourself from some idea of an outcome. It's someone else's decision - they'll either like your voice, hair, etc., or they won't. To bother yourself with thinking about those things... meh. <br /><br />...The end product for an actor's audition has to be that moment in the room...If you leave the room and say, "I did what I wanted to do, I felt great about that" - that has to be the victory. It cannot be, "It's a victory only if they call me because they want to hire me", because if they don't, it's another little chink, and another little chink (in the armor). They become embittered. We all know actors who are pissed off... because they focus on the wrong thing. The other is the x factor - and that is luck, <span style="font-style:italic;">which you can't control</span>."</blockquote><br />(italics mine)<br /><br />*ding* *ding* *ding*<br /><br />Who hasn't felt that chinking away of the armor when yet another date goes poorly? Or, when yet another person for whom you've developed feelings doesn't feel the same? Lights go on everywhere for me when he says this. For a while I've been fighting this acrid bitterness that arises in my heart when I am disappointed in love. Going back to my previous post, I *know* that one should not become bitter, but that is what I feel when time after time my heart is hurt.<br /><br />Approaching dating as trying to get something - with the end result in mind, as it where - for me has only ever set up a lose-lose situation in which anger and bitterness so easily take over. But making my goal to give something - an accurate representation of who I am and what I have to offer - then letting it go... just sounds so much more reasonable, and feels so liberating to contemplate. I've talked before about having a receptive (rather than desperate) quality, and I think this is what that looks like. Eureka.<br /><br />I can see how this would help me to retain that emotional control and positivity, as would trusting them to know what their needs are, and whether or not I have what they need. And it allows me to leave (some of) the angst at the door. I'm going to fuck this up, and forget the 'pow' of this light bulb moment, but I'm hoping that recording this here will give me something to go back to, to read and re-remember, and hopefully that will stick at the cellular level if I am just patient with myself.<br /><br />I've been wanting to despair, but his words give me hope. Gonna give it one (or how ever many it takes) more try.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-17611830370335166812010-08-23T23:01:00.000-07:002010-08-27T19:55:17.989-07:00Slow learners learn slowly and other revelationsThe Ranting Part of This Post:<br />Holy crap, I was like a broken record the other day. I like somebody (crush #1, if you're keeping score), and I've realized that it is not a scenario that would be healthy for me, and I swears I was all kinds of whiny and weepy about it. I seriously needed to just get over it, but I was having the hardest time. Thankfully, my head wins out in the action battle (so I'm not acting the fool all over the place), but my stupid, foolish, naive heart keeps on winning the emotional war.<br /><br />It was bad enough that I got ASL's "what'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis" look, and DAYUM. I think we all benefit from friends who love us enough to smack us down when needed. I'm sure the subtext of that look was something along the lines of, "Seriously, girl - we're gonna have this discussion again?" I think she liked it better when I was all sexcapades and raunch, not emotions and weepiness.<br /><br />Thankfully, having a friend patient enough to listen and provide constructive criticism helps me to make a faster turn around. However, I'd really like the lesson without the agony, m'kay? I'd really love to read the situation, immediately sense it's hopelessness, and emotionally disengage. The head's all, "Bad candidate, moving along", but the gut and the heart are all, "But are you sure? Maybe you just need to have a little faith..." <br /><br />Screw that. Fuck faith - I need proof. Absent proof, this person's just another rabbit hole, and I don't need that. And while I'm at it, fuck my heart for not listening to my head. Seriously, in a quiet room all by my self, I have it all worked out, know my options (or lack thereof), and can make critical decisions based on the facts at hand. But put me in front of the object of my affection, and all critical thinking skills cease to function. All I am is a pinging, whinging, hurt, hot mess, moaning that I can't get what I want. <br /><br />The kicker is that this situation is juxtaposition of a very real need (to be loved), and a very crippling inability to accord my heart with the logical conclusions of my head. Earlier, a friend posted the following comic, which totally spoke to me:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_sn8AyZoG9wM/THNknfjN30I/AAAAAAAAADU/hgSnWCg_qfo/s1600/braaaainsjpg.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_sn8AyZoG9wM/THNknfjN30I/AAAAAAAAADU/hgSnWCg_qfo/s320/braaaainsjpg.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5508857398851133250" /></a><br /><br />Damn if I don't feel exactly like a zombie chicken, flailing about and feeling the need to discuss every fucking detail of my life, while not articulating what it is that I really want in a way that would actually attract that which I desire.<br /><br />The Reasoning Part of This Post:<br />Full disclosure: Crush #1 is a woman. I don't think that it is particularly shocking or revelatory that this is possible for me. I've known for a long time that, given the content of character, the packaging wouldn't matter that much to me. I've always known that I could like women, it had just never happened before. <br /><br />I'm told by my lesbian friends that the first time feelings are pretty intense, and that moving on from your first is difficult (huh, yet another way in which we are all the fuck alike). So, I really do need to stop judging the emotions and give myself a goddammed break. This whole thing threw me for a loop, and that's ok. <br /><br />Additionally, calling it a "crush" is a bit of a misnomer. I crush on people all the damn time, but when it gets to the point where I'd really like to date someone, I think it's safe to say that I've moved beyond crush to something more meaningful, and less adolescent, than a crush. So yeah, a little respect for my own feelings would be in order here, too.<br /><br />In conclusion:<br />As long as I am self-aware enough not to act a fool, and as long as my friends are willing to continue to smack me about the face and neck from time to time, and as long as I respect my feelings and learn from each new situation, I'll be just fine. It's ok to feel the intensity of the emotion - good or bad - but realize that the emotion is a wave that will eventually subside, leaving behind a lesson learned.<br /><br />And not that this clarification is totally necessary, but no, I have not "switched teams". It just turns out that I'm kind of on everyone's team, and what I am looking for goes far below the surface. I want to feel loved and cared for, even protected. I want someone that is smart, and kind, and funny, someone that gets my oddball sense of humor. I want the complement to my femininity and emotional nature, and while that has typically taken the form of men for me, it is, apparently, also available to me in women as well.<br /><br />Man, when I put it that way, I feel pretty damn lucky.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-54390367333911458992010-08-15T20:26:00.000-07:002010-08-27T19:56:04.774-07:00A Word On Self EsteemI have to admit something. I kinda think I'm the shit. Seriously, I do. Oddly enough, thinking I'm the shit has opened up my eyes about how other people are the shit, too, and that is fucking awesome. My the-shit-ness isn't about thinking I'm better than others, it's about thinking I'm awesome in my own right. Period. <br /><br />This is a picture of me thinking I'm the shit.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_sn8AyZoG9wM/TGw_TIdEZXI/AAAAAAAAADE/_-qlTOcnHQA/s1600/theshit.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 204px; height: 284px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_sn8AyZoG9wM/TGw_TIdEZXI/AAAAAAAAADE/_-qlTOcnHQA/s400/theshit.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5506846042286744946" /></a><br /><br />As you can see, and as I've mentioned before, I'm fat - I don't say this negatively, I just happen to be, in addition to many other things, fat. I've talked in the past about feeling invisible sometimes due to my size, but really, I'd rather just feel like I'm the shit. Let me tell you something, though - it ain't easy to maintain this attitude. <br /><br />On a daily basis, I look into the mirror, give myself a knowing wink, and walk out into the world feeling pretty damn good about myself. It's a little game I play - I know that the world in general really thinks that I should either disappear or be a good girl and lose the weight, and yet I stubbornly flaunt my joie de vivre, fat ass and all. <br /><br />I'll be honest - most of the time, I think the prevailing attitude about fat people is so ridiculously bigoted and uninformed as to be hilarious, and I use it to my advantage. I sneak up on people, and make them love me (or at least like / respect me) in spite of my fatness. My job puts me in front of people on a daily basis, and I can always pick out who will doubt that I can be articulate and smart *because of my fatness*. Then I open my mouth, and it is fun to watch judgment fade to enjoyment as I do the impossible and make software training fun.<br /><br />However, there are days when the head rats get to me. I'm talking about those little poisonous nuggets of thought - pervasive in this world and difficult keep out - that tell me I'm not the shit. They say that I'm too fat to be loved, or even regarded with more than judgment. Now, I'd like to be able to dismiss these thoughts outright, and I would - if they had no basis in reality.<br /><br />Unfortunately, I know for a fact that my thoughts are based in reality. You see, if you're a fat person, there's no denying that most people will not think that you're the shit, much less fuckable, and fewer still will find you lovable. Most people will assume that you're lazy, gluttonous, smelly, and more than a little stupid. <br /><br />Now, I could mention that weight is second only to height in heritability, I could show you the studies (done multiple times because nobody believes the results) that prove that statistically, fat people don't actually eat more or move less than regular or skinny people, and I could talk about the science of weight loss / re-gain until I'm blue in the face, but people don't usually care about that shit. Most of the population views me as unfuckable, which for most people means I don't exist, regardless of the science.<br /><br />Here's an example of why I'm pretty sure it's not just in my head:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_sn8AyZoG9wM/TGw_beCLXuI/AAAAAAAAADM/uQucl5nRpAI/s1600/whales.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 119px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_sn8AyZoG9wM/TGw_beCLXuI/AAAAAAAAADM/uQucl5nRpAI/s400/whales.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5506846185518489314" /></a><br /><br />In addition to the lovely advertising from PETA, I see this attitude in action every time I'm in an airplane, every time I meet someone new, and, frankly, every time I develop feelings for someone. Some people practically have a neon sign on their foreheads that say, "You are fat. Do not want."<br /><br />Battling that message on a daily basis is hard, but add the heart, and there are days when it is frankly impossible not to believe that destructive paradigm. <br /><br />One thing that fat women have to contend with in a heterosexual context (though there are certainly variations on that theme, depending on your sexuality) is that straight male friends will totally befriend them in the same manner that a straight woman befriends a gay man. Spending time with them, confiding in them, flirting with them, etc, not realizing that the fat woman could possibly read this as romantic interest. I mean, why would she think she's attractive enough for him to want her? Silly fat girl, no love for you. Sometimes it takes a minute, but when the fat girl savvies to the fact that her flirty, communicative, interesting friend couldn't possibly find her attractive... man, oh man, does that do a number on the heart and the self-esteem.<br /><br />I'll give you a minute to consider that I created that paragraph in the third person, so that it would be less painful for me write.<br /><br />With that in mind, it is difficult to think highly of oneself when others would view that kind of self esteem to be ridiculous and unwarranted, if not utterly unthinkable. But I'm here to tell you that I'd rather be ridiculous than lower my opinion of myself to match the world's view of me. And on those days when I'm feeling lonely, and the head rats are chewing away at my self worth, I dig in and remind myself who I really am. And I remember that loving myself has given others permission to love me. And I fight back, and I say to myself and the world - I am worthy of love and respect and kindness. <br /><br />And that? Is why I'm the motherfucking shit.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-6349291602173419032010-08-06T21:28:00.000-07:002010-08-27T19:56:13.656-07:00It's Like, DuhSo one of my friends read my last post and asked why I was freaking out about having a crush on someone, which made me pause. Man, I really was kinda freaking out about a fucking crush, now wasn't I? Good thing that friend wasn't in the car on my ride home with ASL. Now that - that was freaking out. <br /><br />And ain't that all kinds of crazy for a crush.<br /><br />Thankfully, I'm a quick study, and I think I've got a few more grains of understanding rattling around up in that noggin of mine. First, I am *really* good at relationships, but fairly new with dating (real dating, not like, falling in love with one long distance fucked up friend after another). Without any intent or conscious effort, I've been bringing Relationship Casey to the table, when I really should be bringing Dating Casey to the table. <br /><br />Sure, I'd like a relationship at some point, but right now I'd really just like the opportunity to date and take it easy with someone. Unfortunately, those aren't the cards I've been showing. I don't have any hard data, but I'd be willing to bet real money that Relationship Casey intimidates the hell out of people. Or makes them think I'm all weird and intense, which is somewhat less charming than I've been aiming for. <br /><br />I also tend to go into things fully open, a little too open at times, and that has to be balanced with protecting my heart. If I could figure out how to do that without feeling like a game-player, I could probably save myself a lot of pain and disappointment. I have some half-formed ideas of what that looks like, but will most likely fuck it up a few more times before I get it right. Should make for some interesting blog posts.<br /><br />In addition to protection, I really do need to stop letting the past dictate my future. Unfortunately, I didn't realize how much of that was going on in ways too subtle for me to notice (subtle being relative to my rather obtuse love brain). By bringing in Relationship Casey, I'm trying to apply an old template to a new set of plans. By remembering too much the pain of past relationships, I start getting anxietous about things that should be light and fun - freaking out, as it were.<br /><br />Having these realizations seep down into my consciousness actually helped me to physically and emotionally unclench. This afternoon included some light flirting with one of the crushes, and that felt so.... fun. ASL saw me giggling and being silly, and mentioned that was how I was supposed to feel with a crush. <br /><br />Well, shit. That almost makes sense.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-19540091118536657792010-08-01T08:00:00.000-07:002010-08-27T19:56:22.987-07:00Why Crushes Suck. Er, Maybe... Why I Suck At Having CrushesI hate liking someone anymore. Crushes, which are supposed to be all light and fun and shit, have become yet another fraught thing for me to over-analyze and then beat myself up with when they don't go anywhere. I actually do get that I have no control over how someone else feels about me, and this generally allows me to let go of an unrequited or an unwise crush. However, it doesn't stop me from feeling like a stupid idiot, broken from reality. I know that it is not unreasonable to hope that someone might have a mutual attraction, but dammit, those moments of vulnerability followed by disappointment feel like a kick in the nuts. <br /><br />I am kind of confused at this moment because I have two fairly serious crushes, and I am feeling that vulnerability again, especially for one of them. Though this of course begs the question - can they be serious crushes if there are two? I also wonder if I'm just hedging my bets so that I don't get hurt. <br /><br />Let's just say that I'm feeling most vulnerable in the scenario that represents a new emotional experience for me. There is an underlying set of circumstances that makes this crush less than ideal, but if my people reading skills are up to par, there is also some mutual attraction, which is even scarier.<br /><br />Thing is, I'm not feeling lucky enough to overcome the obstacles. So here I am, feeling like a twitchy dog with an inaccessible itch, stuck again with feelings I can't act on. Fuck, I can't even hope that this will go anywhere. But that damned sexy eyebrow raise in my direction - omfgbbqbaconbutter. As my yoga instructor would say, I have found that spot of delicious discomfort.<br /><br />The second crush is a person for whom I have tried - and failed - to convince myself that I don't like very much. I genuinely don't think about him all that often, shoehorned as he is in my deep subconscious. But when I do see him... dayum. It's everything I can do to not throw him on the floor and fuck him right there. <br /><br />What? Stop looking at me like that.<br /><br />I know, I KNOW - throwing myself at him would be bad form, so I back away, I keep my interactions short, and I try not to look too much in his general direction ('cause I gots a shitty p-p-poker face). Then after a few days I'm able to fold those thoughts back up into tiny squares of memory, mostly forgotten until the next time they explode like little origami popcorn in my head.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">4 days later...</span><br />I've had a lot of internal debate about exactly which details I should include in this post, and I've been circling it like a buzzard circles a suspect piece of meat. However, being circumspect and having to write this in such a way that it makes sense to other people has helped it to make sense to me. I'm actually a little less confused at the end of this post than when I began it. <br /><br />I'm thinking that I'd really like for Crush 1 to go somewhere, though if it doesn't, it won't be a total loss. And I may show up on Crush 2's doorstep with nothing but a trench coat on.* All in all, I'm a little less scared and twitchy - I know what I want, but I also know that I need to go with the flow and chill the fuck out. Maybe even try to breathe and have a little fun with all the flirting that's going on...<br /><br />*Kidding. Probably.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-60728050591378395152010-07-03T13:41:00.000-07:002010-08-27T19:56:51.533-07:00My romantic side takes a beating...I'm watching You've Got Mail for like, the 50th time, and I don't know why I like this movie so much. I mean, the premise is kinda silly - oooh, looky at this here new fangled technology, and how I'm using it to meet someone new. And yet... sigh. I just love the feel of the heavy romanticism. It's not at all realistic, and yet... sigh again, that's what I want. I want to be swept up in romance. I love the banter, the back and forth, the pithy one-liners and anguished looks. I love that it works out for them in the end, even though that doesn't seem to happen much for me.<br /><br />I've been seeing a pretty cool guy (P) for a few weeks now, and we've been firing on all cylinders. He's good-looking, funny, random, and completely ADHD. Boy, do we have banter. He's also way into me - says I'm funny, unique, genuine, and that he was impressed when I told him to be respectful of me. Physically we moved pretty fast, which I didn't mind, but which also gave me that familiar twang of ... will he think I'm not serious about a relationship? That I don't want the romance?<br /><br />Turns out, that doesn't really matter. P's married - separated, actually. They have been apart for about 8 months, something that would have been helpful to know at the beginning. They're now considering trying to get back together for the sake of their 2.5 year-old daughter, and since I don't even want to be factor in that consideration, I've bowed out. So, another one bites the dust.<br /><br />In the meantime, my sister called - our dad called her and wants to talk to me. I do not want to talk to this man, I feel prickly just that he even thinks he has the right to try to talk to me or create some kind of relationship with me. <br /><br /><br />I like to say that I don't feel a lot of direct anger at him, but I do feel that I was jipped, and I am angry and sad that I don't have a father to call when I am hurt or lonely. And I hate that Father's Day is such a sad day for me. And frankly, having someone who was responsible for my botched childhood try to determine the nature of our relationship now... well, it really kinda fucking pisses me off. <br /><br />Faced with these unpleasant realities, it makes sense that the escapist romanticism of a movie like You've Got Mail would be so appealing. But in real life, the men that I have wanted don't stay, can't stay, aren't right for me, or are fucking married with a kid. Maybe all the daddy talk seem like a non-sequitor, but it is most definitely related to the dating issues I have had in recent years. <br /><br />Having a good father helps a woman to set an appropriate bar from the beginning. There are no guarantees in life, but when someone is used to receiving unconditional love, they usually won't stand for selfish or abusive love. For those of us that don't have the mental model of a positive male presence in our lives, we've had to learn the hard way what is and what is not appropriate behavior for a potential partner in crime.<br /><br />So yeah.<br /><br />Case in point: I started this post 2 weeks ago and have been hemming and hawing about it ever since. But my bedsheets smell like P's cologne again, and I know that what I wrote was right. As I was walking my dogs this morning, I was able to figure out what I couldn't put into words last night: I know this dance, and my feet hurt.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-36127000928265073712010-06-19T22:59:00.000-07:002010-08-27T19:56:58.361-07:00The wonderful and painful things we covet...I've been thinking about how I run into walls when it comes to matters of the heart, mainly because I can see it trying to happen again, and... no more. I've reached my limit. I'm liking New Orleans guy *slightly* more than I'd like to, *slightly* more than our agreement calls for, and his head is not in the same space. This has made me begin to want him more, something that I now know is a pattern. I maintain a certain neutrality until the guy doesn't show the same level of interest, and then I find myself pining after him. The reverse psychology of that whole scenario seems so typical as to be beneath me. Of course, that's the problem with thinking anything's beneath you - the universe immediately makes it the crushing force directly on top of you.<br /><br />I've been reviewing old journal entries, and a little over a year ago I was sitting down at a damn fine taco place with two of my most trusted male friends, and we were talking about the experiences (sexual) that keep us trapped in time, memories that we go back to over and over. One of the observations I'd made about that conversation is that this instant recall is a delicious torture, because it is so easy to bring the memories to mind, so easy to still feel the heat of his fingers stroking my neck, so easy to go back to it in my head over and over again. But, it is so painful because the one I wanted at the time was never truly available, save for the occasional fuck he'd throw my way. Torturous was the hope that the love, the lust could make its way back to me. Up and down. Rise and fall. All this time later, and I can still remember feeling flush and dizzy from his touch, and wanting to just stay in his bed forever. <br /><br />One of my homies said that these are the wonderful and painful things we covet - these memories one treasures and protects, like 'my precious'. I couldn't have said it more perfectly than that. I'd gone back and forth between two men - friends with each other, old friends of my good friends, really a terrible set up from the beginning. And yet... letting go of either one of them has been wrenching at times, because I hold tight to those wonderful, agonizing memories. My other homie, in his lovely accent, said something also very profound - that sometimes you are meant for some one, but only for that moment, that short span of time. I wish I'd understood that concept at the time. Instead of acknowledging that it couldn't last forever, my feelings intensified when they didn't love me back, and I felt like a ridiculous person for not being able to let go. I'd pursue one, be turned away, and pursue the other, only to find the same result. Gah. Metaphorical walls with Casey-shaped holes.<br /><br />Allowing myself to swoon in my recollections, while exhilarating in the moment, is the cement glue that kept my feelings stuck in high gear, even when all evidence suggested that I abandon ship. Well, I'm not 16 anymore, and it is a punch in the gut to see exactly how much of this pushmepullme existence for my heart has been my own doing. The only thing going for me is that the pain of those experiences was so intense, so sharp, and so long-lasting, that I won't ever put myself through that again. My lovely New Orleans experience will stay in New Orleans, and I will begin the process of removing him from my visual field so that I cannot covet those memories into an obsession. If I had to put myself through all of this pain, my hope is that I am coming out on the other side wiser, stronger, and more protective of my heart.<br /><br />Final note: As I'm considering publishing this post, with all it's scary (for me, at least) honesty, I am reminded of what some of my most trusted girlfriends have said on the subject of love, some of which I've already expressed in this forum. Being so pursuant of love has not gotten me anywhere, but as I open myself up to possibilities and let the universe work its magic while I go about living my life, good things come my way. I'm not so certain of the woo woo "magic of the universe" schtick, but I think that being open is the mindset that works for me, both internally and externally. Having said that, coveting these memories is a closed loop, a reliving of the past that can only impede a truly receptive quality for the future. I think that I'm able to cut off a problematic set of feelings for my New Orleans experience because I might actually finally be "getting it" at the cellular level. Here's hoping...caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-11497158930677611742010-06-13T16:24:00.000-07:002010-08-27T19:57:10.275-07:00New Rules: Intimacy EditionThe more I think about it, the more I really want to write a rule book on dating and sexual etiquette for guys. Having endured a number of unwashed balls, I present to you this list of New Rules for dating and those intimate moments:<br /> <br /><br />New Rule: Check your privilege, dudebro. When polled, what women fear most about men is that you'll attack, rape, and or kill us. Guys' biggest fear is that we will laugh at you. So, yeah... not quite the same. Be understanding when we want to meet you in a public place, let a friend know where we are, or want to put the brakes on physical encounters until we know we can trust you. Our fear has been well-earned - respect it.<br /><br />New Rule: If you show up looking nothing like your online photo, don't act like we're the assholes if we refuse to go out with you. Be yourself, and use up-to-date pictures with your online dating profile. While many of us don't mind a few more wrinkles or pounds on our guys, almost all of us intensely dislike liars, and we'll know you've been lying the minute we see you. <br /><br />New Rule: Develop a higher standard of cleanliness in your home, at least when a woman is coming over. Remember that a woman's anatomy is designed to trap and grow life, and while the result with sperm can be beautiful, the result with your dirty sheets, your nasty toilet seats, and your germ-ridden couches is decidedly less so. Cleanliness for us is not about being picky, it's about not having to deal with cottage cheese in our underwear. Yeah, I went there.<br /><br />New Rule: Wash your fucking ass and wedding tackle if you want us to play with them. Remember that women have extremely sensitive noses, and that your playground is thisclose to your waste treatment plant.<br /><br />New Rule: CONDOMS without whining. I am particularly tired of men that want to have no-string sex without a condom. These men whine, "It doesn't feel the saaaame." or "I can't keep it uuuup with a condoooom." Let me tell you something - there are a number of STDs for which there are no symptoms for males, so there is a high likelihood that, if you have something, you don't know it. However, these same STDs can render women sterile, can cause painful conditions which are expensive to resolve, and, in the case of HIV, Hepatitis, and HPV, can kill. I don't want to fucking hear about your issues with condoms - your right to pleasure without responsibility ends at my right to live and have fully functioning reproductive organs. Nut up, masturbate with condoms to practice, find a brand you like, and don't make a woman ask you to put one on. <br /><br />New Rule: No sexual bullying. This is real life, not a porn flick, so your desires do not supercede a woman's desires. We are not just a series of hungry holes into which you can stick your dick, and we are not responsible for your orgasms. In real life, an orgasm is one's own responsibility and starts in your own head - and if you're really lucky, you get to orgasm with someone else's delighted assistance. Pushing a woman's head down on your cock, going deeper than she's asked you to go, asking her to continue servicing your member long after her thresholds for comfort and pain have been met - these are all abusive and selfish behaviors. Don't be a dickhead - or you're gonna be a lonely dickhead.<br /><br />These are obviously written from my point of view, so your miles may vary. The main point is that respecting your partner sexually by being clean and considerate will get you so much farther than assuming that anyone will simply deal with your disgusting and presumptive habits.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-37882987818225960662010-06-08T21:07:00.000-07:002010-08-27T19:57:16.990-07:00New RulesSince the last post was so heavy, I thought I'd switch it up with something lighter. Stealing outright from comedian Bill Mahr, here are the New Rules, Casey-style:<br /><br />New Rule: If you invite someone over to your place for dinner, you should sweep the kitty litter off the kitchen floor. Here's a novel idea: Move the kitty litter box ANYWHERE OTHER THAN THE KITCHEN.<br /><br />New Rule: If you have cats, you should de-fur your couch if you want any action. A little cat hair is to be expected, but if you can't see the cushions for the fur, you have a problem.<br /><br />New Rule: If you can hear the mice in your walls, do not invite anyone over until you've a) called your landlord, and b) fired your many cats.<br /><br />New Rule: If you invite someone over to your place, the bathroom should, if anything, smell like cleaning supplies, not urine. <br /><br />New Rule: If your bedroom is so dirty that you borrow the roommate's room for making out, you are not ready to date. Go back and try again.<br /><br />New Rule: If you walk into any of the above mentioned situations, turn around. Don't take the hit for someone else's bad sense of appropriate. Teach him a lesson and make him a better boyfriend... for someone else.<br /><br />Now, off to scrub myself with antibacterial soap for about three hours...caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-33856767867385001642010-06-03T21:37:00.000-07:002010-08-27T19:57:22.702-07:00Good night, and good luck (repost from private journal)Tomorrow (6/5/09) is the anniversary of the Rev. Dave's death. There had been some confusion as to his actual date because L & T didn't find him until the next day, but we confirmed it was the 5th. I loved Dave, and he didn't love me back, and our breakup broke our friendship as well. Six months later, after getting the job of his dreams, and a place of his own, and a newer car, and a really sweet girlfriend that seemed to be a much better fit for him, he drank a case of beer and put a gun to his head. <br /><br />I've been reading my old journals, crying, and wishing still that it had all been a bad dream, and that I could still have my old friend Dave back. Here's what I wrote the day I found out:<br /><blockquote><br />Private: Good night, and good luck.<br /><br />{ June 6, 2009 @ 9:26 pm } · { Uncategorized }<br /><br />Dave killed himself, probably on Thursday. His job called L and T because he hadn't shown up for work, so they went to check up on him and they found him lying face up and naked on his bed, gun in his right hand, left arm over his head. He’d put his comforter up near his head, I suppose to obscure any exit wounds. One small kindness from an act that caused so much pain and anger and sadness.<br /><br />I wish you would have stuck around. The good stuff was happening, and I don’t think you knew it. Maybe you could never know it. But we all wanted you alive. Yes, even me. Regardless of what I’ve said in private in anger, I would not want your life to be cut short. It was already going to be shortened by the alcohol, but there was still the chance to turn it around when you were alive. There is no coming back from this, except perhaps as a reincarnation. Wonder if I’ll see you again.<br /><br />Right now, the Medical Examiner is opening you up and discovering the ravages of alcohol on your body. Your bones will be softer than that of an average 35 year-old man. Your liver will be hardened and blackened from abuse. Your brain will show signs of mental illness, and your blood will reak of alcohol. Your heart has been forever stilled. Someone from your family will call a funeral home, I suppose, and arrange for transport of your body back to Oklahoma. You spent one glorious, terrible, and painful year away from the place of your birth, but now it is time to go home again.<br /><br />I’ve been OK most of today, with just a break down here and there. But then the weight of it has begun to feel heavy, like an object that seems to get heavier the longer you carry it. I’ve been romanticizing why / how you took your life, trying to find the kindest thing to say about it. But what you did was unkind. And not tragically romantic. Just tragic. If you are in another state of consciousness, I hope that you realize that things could have been better. Though I also hope that you are at peace – Max is at peace, so maybe he felt your torture as well. Though I also wish you were here so that I could slap you, I hope that you silenced the demon trying to reach into your head. If you see my great-grandmother, say hi for me.<br /><br />What sucks about all of this is that mine is the pain of unrequited and disregarded love. I’m grieving for someone who never gave me a second thought, and who would have his friends believe that I was a crazy bitch. It feels stupid to grieve for you, and I wish I could throw away the stone on my heart. I am grateful that T and L accept my pain as real, because if they didn’t, I might not be able to.<br /><br />I have more beautiful and poetic things that have come to mind today, but I didn’t write them down and fear that they are lost. The truth is, I spent today at the lake, enjoying the sun on my face, and blue of the sky, and cool of the green-blue Colorado river. I am grateful that I could feel and see these things, and I hope that during your short time on Earth that you enjoyed those things too. I hope that your last sunset was beautiful.<br /><br />The only thing I can do now is appreciate what you gave me. Cool music. Cool people. Beer, dammit. And biking. I will think of you every time I bike downtown, and every time I get a hankering for a Maui Bowl from Wahoos, and every time I pass Lovejoys, and every time I drink a Fat Tire. I’m sorry that it was impossible for us to reconcile as friends in this life, but I hope you have forgiven me for my part in the next life. I hope that you feel like Dorothy, and know that the love you didn’t feel was there the whole time. I hope that there are bikes in heaven, and I hope that St. Arnold needs an apprentice. And finally, I hope that you can feel the sun on your face and know that is the love that was always there for you.<br /><br />I love you and will never forget you.</blockquote>caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5640802129283257072.post-28637940120156760072010-06-01T11:35:00.000-07:002010-08-27T19:57:28.519-07:00Resurrecting My Inner SamanthaI got to spend a lot of time with M this long weekend, and I'm so glad that I did. The physical chemistry is pretty great with him - when he decides to be physical. I purposefully wore a skirt on our date on Sunday, which definitely piqued his interest, and another base was rounded, ha. Problem is, until we parked on that dark road and started getting physical with one another, he was kind of annoying the shit out of me. No need for details, he wasn't doing anything wrong per se, but I've been noticing some red flags and my mind just wasn't letting me get away with ignoring those. Ain't that a pisser.<br /><br />We saw each other again on Monday, and while the hanging out was nice-ish, I still really wanted to just get to the making out, which we didn't. It was yet another date with M that left me feeling distinctly dissatisfied - and not just physically, either. I realized that, while he'd be an awesome fuck buddy, he'd never work as my boyfriend. We just don't connect on an emotional level. Thankfully, with him being 25 and all, we had a perfectly cordial IM chat in which we dissolved our attempts at a relationship, and established that some no-strings sex was now a possibility.<br /><br />Part of my wanting to do this had to do with the realization that I have been stifling my inner Samantha (of Sex and the City, as if that needs to be said). I'm an incredibly physical person, always have been, always will be. But I got it into my head that my sexual freedom was somehow distracting me from the important business of finding The One. I developed this theory that my enjoyment of the occasional zipless fuck was fucking up my larger goal of being in a relationship. I think this weekend, and my dating M in particular, have been about me figuring out that my little theory is utter bollocks. <br /><br />For a while now I've been clumsy, unfocused, and not in the moment. In short, I've been needing a proper lay, and it's been driving me to distraction because I've been setting aside that desire in search of The One. Well fuck, that was never going to work. I've been feeling like I've lost my mojo, and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me trying to act like I'm not a sexual being. <br /><br />In looking back, I got here after my divorce, when I lost my equilibrium and confused sex with love, which led to major heartbreak. I would of course want to protect myself from that kind of pain again, and I hate the idea of soulless sex, so I thought I'd do my best to hold out for The One. Problem with that is that I'd let myself get to the point of almost desperate, and then have some kind of completely non-intimate sex that was not at all satisfying. I'm finally coming around to the idea that I have no say on when that fucker's gonna show up, so while he's taking his (her... maybe) sweet time showing up, I've got needs, dammit.<br /><br />This weekend reminded me that I in fact do know how to have non-relationship sex that is satisfying. Is it as good as relationship sex? Absolutely, unequivocally not. But this sex thing has been fucking up my ability to fully embrace my singleness, and even to some extent my sexuality, and I am so done with that shit. I have some really dirty, beautiful no strings sex set up for my two trips to NOLA, and I've realized that I really do need that in my life. Some will judge me for it, but I think the biggest lesson this life is teaching me is that I do my best when I follow my own path.<br /><br />In all this talk about sex, I want to make it perfectly clear that I do very much want to be in a relationship. In my mind, that relationship, whenever it comes, will be wonderful and sweet, and I will fully embrace monogamy and long-term love. I feel like I'm finally becoming comfortable with these two seemingly contradictory parts of myself - the lover and the loved. For years I went about it kind of blindly, sometimes amorally, and sometimes doing things that I now regret. But I'm also realizing that I can integrate all of these aspects of me, without judgment, and without stifling. No doubt I'll still run into walls and flail about blindly, but my hope is that, by accepting myself for who I am, and living according to my morality (which values the feelings and needs of others as well as my own), that I end up with a life and a partner that I can truly enjoy and be proud of.caseyatthebathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07177103769444301978noreply@blogger.com0