So I've talked in the past about trying to figure out where I want to go, career-wise. I'd like to travel way less, and I've decided on some kind of formal education, but I still need to make money and work on my skills in the interim. I spoke with various managers at my company about possible job opportunities, and found out about one that seemed like a nice fit.
It was (notice the past tense) my understanding that the position requires less travel, but still has a great consulting and training piece, and would help me to work on becoming more detail-oriented, all while able to attend a local college. Growth and fit, all in one job! So then I set out to (massively over-)prepare for the interview, and I was looking forward to the opportunity to show my colleagues what I could bring to the role.
But then I actually did the interview (5 rotating interviewers, 3 hours total, someone bring a drink please), and saw that the position was more of a secretary to the person doing all of the cool consulting and training shit. On the way home I had a real moment of clarity and realized that not only I would NOT like this job, I realized that I have already had this kind of job and hated it. I mean, there was a pretty damn good reason why I no longer did that kind of work - I can do the detail-oriented stuff to an extent, but I. DON'T. LIKE. IT.
I am simply not detail-oriented. There, I said it. I'm just not. Now, I can organize pretty well, but at my own pace, and with my own hierarchy, and I can scope the big picture like a motherfucker. So why in the name of my mother's grits would I choose to do something that I actively dislike, especially since there are others out there who are so much better at that kind of thing?
Yeah, I couldn't think of a good answer to that one, either.
Not only that, one of my favorite coworkers is also up for the job, and he would be perfect for it. So I withdrew my name as a candidate and told them I believed that they should seriously consider him.
There's a bit of a feeling of let-down, especially since I put so much effort into the prep, but I am generally feeling pretty great about this decision. I actually used the interview as an opportunity to see if I would like the job, and when found out I didn't, I didn't fight to make it right. It's not right, and I am so fucking DONE with trying to fashion myself to fit a popular job description.
So I'm left with this wrung out / kind of thrilled feeling about this bit of personal evolution - not only did I dodge a bad career decision, I somehow clarified my strengths. I have no idea where to go next, but I have a sneaking suspicion that something will rise up to meet me soon enough. Whatever I end up doing, it will be in the direction of my natural and learned talents, because I am officially too old for that other shit.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Unsettled
(Repost from my Tumblr)
The news of Bin Laden’s death brought to mind the crushing sorrow and uncertainty that I (and so many) felt when I saw the live shot of the towers falling. I was angry, and wanted someone to PAY. Some motherfucker had just destroyed, not only thousands of lives, but thousands of families.
Through the years I’ve had time to reflect - we talk about 9/11 constantly, like it was the worst thing that happened, ever. It was so terrible, and yet… terrible numbers of people die every day from war, famine, poverty, lack of access, often at the hands of American forces and policies. We bemoan the tragic loss of that one day, but seem so disconnected from the day to day realities of our own bloodied hands.
Even the incursion that killed Bin Laden no doubt killed innocents, as have many of the battles in this war. We have killed far more innocents than were murdered on that grave and horrible day.
And yet.
The fist pump on the news of his death was automatic and satisfying. I wanted him dead. I didn’t want a trial. I didn’t want to hear any words from him. I was glad that he’d been taken out. Fuck you, you fucking motherfucker.
Of course, it occurs to me that this retaliatory sentiment is what feeds the fire, allowing the rancor and murderous hatred of one another to continue. I said Avada Kedavra, the killing curse from Harry Potter, and yet… as I recall in the book, my new hero never did. Not even when battling face to face the man who killed his parents, not even after having seen him continue to kill so many of his friends and loved ones.
I’ll think on this for a while, not sure that I’ll ever fully reconcile these twin desires for vengeance and peace. Though, maybe that’s what it’s like for those in the middle of all of this fighting - tired of the death and destruction, yet unable to put down the sword.
The news of Bin Laden’s death brought to mind the crushing sorrow and uncertainty that I (and so many) felt when I saw the live shot of the towers falling. I was angry, and wanted someone to PAY. Some motherfucker had just destroyed, not only thousands of lives, but thousands of families.
Through the years I’ve had time to reflect - we talk about 9/11 constantly, like it was the worst thing that happened, ever. It was so terrible, and yet… terrible numbers of people die every day from war, famine, poverty, lack of access, often at the hands of American forces and policies. We bemoan the tragic loss of that one day, but seem so disconnected from the day to day realities of our own bloodied hands.
Even the incursion that killed Bin Laden no doubt killed innocents, as have many of the battles in this war. We have killed far more innocents than were murdered on that grave and horrible day.
And yet.
The fist pump on the news of his death was automatic and satisfying. I wanted him dead. I didn’t want a trial. I didn’t want to hear any words from him. I was glad that he’d been taken out. Fuck you, you fucking motherfucker.
Of course, it occurs to me that this retaliatory sentiment is what feeds the fire, allowing the rancor and murderous hatred of one another to continue. I said Avada Kedavra, the killing curse from Harry Potter, and yet… as I recall in the book, my new hero never did. Not even when battling face to face the man who killed his parents, not even after having seen him continue to kill so many of his friends and loved ones.
I’ll think on this for a while, not sure that I’ll ever fully reconcile these twin desires for vengeance and peace. Though, maybe that’s what it’s like for those in the middle of all of this fighting - tired of the death and destruction, yet unable to put down the sword.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
How I Got Here
I was having a conversation with a friend about some of the people in her life that just couldn't seem to get it - the 'it' having to do with harnessing one's own power via self-acceptance. A man that she likes very much and is attracted to simply doesn't understand her attraction to him. As it happens, he is chubby, and this makes him feel that he does not deserve her, no matter how much she tells him that she adores his body type. He doesn't get it, and it's ruining things for them. As you can imagine, this feeling affects other areas of his life, and it is difficult for my friend to watch this happening.
We continued to talk about it for some time, and I said that what he hasn't figured out yet is that haters gonna hate. She quickly said that no one hates him - he's a great guy, and she wished he'd stop assuming that people are judging him for his weight. I explained that, even when surrounded by non-judgmental people that love and support you, there's no getting around the judgment that society heaps on fat people. So yes, there are haters out there. And they gotta job to do.
That, however, does not mean that he or anyone else has to accept that hatred as any kind of real assessment of one's own personal value. I love this internet meme because it reminds me that, no matter what I do to conform to the will and wishes of others, people are still gonna hate, so I might as well be me. Even if I did manage some kind of conformity, it would be a poor substitute for someone who is naturally the ideal. And those haters would still hate.
Having dealt with her share of dieting boyfriends, my friend wondered aloud if those guys would ever pick up on the fact that they kept coming back to the same weight. I admitted that it took me a full 10 years to get to that point, and that it involved more than one rock bottom. She wanted to know how I'd come to be this way - what led me down this path towards accepting myself in the face of, well, society at large.
I had to be honest, it all started with a diet plan. Mind you, I didn't call it a diet plan, it was a 'lifestyle change' (the last of dozens I'd attempted). Of course, the goal of my lifestyle change was to lose weight, so really, it was just another diet with more syllables. Nevermind the noise I made about wanting to be healthier - I wanted to be thinner, more acceptable, less shameful in my existence. And yet, as I embarked once more with my food journals and weigh-ins, I felt deep down that I would not be able to sustain any weight loss. I was honestly trying to be positive, but something in me kept pinging, saying that this, too, wouldn't keep. This made me feel that I was deeply broken, piling on layers of fat to combat my childhood, for surely that was the reason.
So I stopped looking for diets, and started reading about eating disorders, attempting to pathologize my size. After reading a number of books that just didn't resonate, I came across When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies (WWSHTB) on the $2 rack in Half Priced Books. The information those $2 gave me proved to be more valuable than anything I'd read before. It was all revolutionary, a full-on rebel assault against everything I'd learned up to that point - legalizing all food, noticing the size and shape of one's body (neutrally, rather than judging it), and finding / honoring one's hunger and need for comfort - it was a brainshock to read these words. Normalizing my relationship with food didn't result in weight loss, but I didn't care because I was finally free of the diet / binge cycle that had been wearing me down.
Secondly, I read The Obesity Myth by Paul Campos. If WWSHTB freed me, this book found my rage. Seeing fully for the first time how weight-bias is woven into the fabric of this society made me want to throw things. Sharp things, at people's heads. It turns out, human physiology and DNA win out over external forces almost. every. damn. time. Oddly enough, it's not as if the weight-loss industries don't know this, quite the opposite in fact - they depend on it (along with human psychology, which makes people think that 'results not typical' excludes them). Repeat customers, as any 3 year old can tell you, are good for business. Listening to diet talk after reading that book was like nails on chalkboard. I felt like Keanu Reeves waking up with a shaven head in a goo-filled pod, Dorothy as she pulled back the curtain.
I'd finally grown enough as a person to realize that having someone else attempt to dictate how I should live, what I should look like and how I should eatmovebreathefuck just wasn't working any more. I felt weak in the knees with these revelations, like a newborn calf, still wet with afterbirth, on knees too wobbly to move. So I read. And I read some more. And I found online forums and blogs and books and scientific studies that had me shouting at the computer screen, so angry at the line of carefully packaged bullshit I'd been fed all my life. And with the anger, I began to stand my ground.
Being fat, at first I didn't want people to think that I was ridiculous for accepting myself, or that perhaps I was using self-acceptance as an excuse to be lazy, so I didn't say much, not knowing if I could handle a confrontation about my weight. Soon I accepted that working hard against myself isn't the same as work ethic or self-discipline, and slowly I gave up feeling ridiculous. I am not immune to doubts, or wanting to fit into the societal standard (if only to make business travel more comfortable), but my belief in myself is stronger than my doubts, and you can bet that took hard work.
So that's it, really. I came to self-acceptance through the door of size acceptance, and everything cracked open from there. I would hope that everyone can find their way to self-acceptance -as I told my friend, it has freed up precious mental energy and allowed me to steer my life in ways I never thought imaginable.
We continued to talk about it for some time, and I said that what he hasn't figured out yet is that haters gonna hate. She quickly said that no one hates him - he's a great guy, and she wished he'd stop assuming that people are judging him for his weight. I explained that, even when surrounded by non-judgmental people that love and support you, there's no getting around the judgment that society heaps on fat people. So yes, there are haters out there. And they gotta job to do.
That, however, does not mean that he or anyone else has to accept that hatred as any kind of real assessment of one's own personal value. I love this internet meme because it reminds me that, no matter what I do to conform to the will and wishes of others, people are still gonna hate, so I might as well be me. Even if I did manage some kind of conformity, it would be a poor substitute for someone who is naturally the ideal. And those haters would still hate.
Having dealt with her share of dieting boyfriends, my friend wondered aloud if those guys would ever pick up on the fact that they kept coming back to the same weight. I admitted that it took me a full 10 years to get to that point, and that it involved more than one rock bottom. She wanted to know how I'd come to be this way - what led me down this path towards accepting myself in the face of, well, society at large.
I had to be honest, it all started with a diet plan. Mind you, I didn't call it a diet plan, it was a 'lifestyle change' (the last of dozens I'd attempted). Of course, the goal of my lifestyle change was to lose weight, so really, it was just another diet with more syllables. Nevermind the noise I made about wanting to be healthier - I wanted to be thinner, more acceptable, less shameful in my existence. And yet, as I embarked once more with my food journals and weigh-ins, I felt deep down that I would not be able to sustain any weight loss. I was honestly trying to be positive, but something in me kept pinging, saying that this, too, wouldn't keep. This made me feel that I was deeply broken, piling on layers of fat to combat my childhood, for surely that was the reason.
So I stopped looking for diets, and started reading about eating disorders, attempting to pathologize my size. After reading a number of books that just didn't resonate, I came across When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies (WWSHTB) on the $2 rack in Half Priced Books. The information those $2 gave me proved to be more valuable than anything I'd read before. It was all revolutionary, a full-on rebel assault against everything I'd learned up to that point - legalizing all food, noticing the size and shape of one's body (neutrally, rather than judging it), and finding / honoring one's hunger and need for comfort - it was a brainshock to read these words. Normalizing my relationship with food didn't result in weight loss, but I didn't care because I was finally free of the diet / binge cycle that had been wearing me down.
Secondly, I read The Obesity Myth by Paul Campos. If WWSHTB freed me, this book found my rage. Seeing fully for the first time how weight-bias is woven into the fabric of this society made me want to throw things. Sharp things, at people's heads. It turns out, human physiology and DNA win out over external forces almost. every. damn. time. Oddly enough, it's not as if the weight-loss industries don't know this, quite the opposite in fact - they depend on it (along with human psychology, which makes people think that 'results not typical' excludes them). Repeat customers, as any 3 year old can tell you, are good for business. Listening to diet talk after reading that book was like nails on chalkboard. I felt like Keanu Reeves waking up with a shaven head in a goo-filled pod, Dorothy as she pulled back the curtain.
I'd finally grown enough as a person to realize that having someone else attempt to dictate how I should live, what I should look like and how I should eatmovebreathefuck just wasn't working any more. I felt weak in the knees with these revelations, like a newborn calf, still wet with afterbirth, on knees too wobbly to move. So I read. And I read some more. And I found online forums and blogs and books and scientific studies that had me shouting at the computer screen, so angry at the line of carefully packaged bullshit I'd been fed all my life. And with the anger, I began to stand my ground.
Being fat, at first I didn't want people to think that I was ridiculous for accepting myself, or that perhaps I was using self-acceptance as an excuse to be lazy, so I didn't say much, not knowing if I could handle a confrontation about my weight. Soon I accepted that working hard against myself isn't the same as work ethic or self-discipline, and slowly I gave up feeling ridiculous. I am not immune to doubts, or wanting to fit into the societal standard (if only to make business travel more comfortable), but my belief in myself is stronger than my doubts, and you can bet that took hard work.
So that's it, really. I came to self-acceptance through the door of size acceptance, and everything cracked open from there. I would hope that everyone can find their way to self-acceptance -as I told my friend, it has freed up precious mental energy and allowed me to steer my life in ways I never thought imaginable.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Shouldn't I know this by now?
This is a bit embarrassing to admit... but I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I mean, I have an idea of what I'm good at so far, and what I absolutely hate / suck at... but I can't commit to a career in any one area.
This oversight has become a glaring problem because some events at work have made me realize that I need to take more control over the trajectory of my career. Frankly, that whole thought spiral made me break out into a cold sweat. Seriously, I was balled up on the couch, head in the girlfriend's lap, staring into space for a good 30 minutes. It goes something like this:
My boss overlooked me for a project that would have given me more exposure to upper management > My boss has done this a number of times, and it makes me feel like he doesn't respect me > He only thinks I can do this one thing > What if I can only do this one thing? > Bullshit, your reviews are great, and the compliments from clients are pretty steady > Yeah, but you don't have a degree and CB does (story for another time), and even though she hasn't contributed nearly as much, he still thinks that her degree makes her more qualified > So I should look into getting a degree > What degree should I get?> This isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life > But what do I want to do for the rest of my life?>I want to go to school full time > But I can't afford that. > But I want to try out a bunch of different things > But you don't have the luxury > OK, but if I'm going to pay for college, it should be something good, right? > Wait, what if I pay for college and end up with a worthless degree in an area I find completely boring in 4 years? > What is it I want again? >What if I'm stuck in a career I hate + have $30,000 in debt to show for it? > Well shit, if you don't get a move on it, that college degree is going to cost $50AHHHHHH.
Pretty impressive, huh?
Well, it's more exhausting than impressive, really. SO. What to do. I know! I'll make a list. I'll list the things I like, the things I know I'm good at, the things I'd like to be good at, and go from there.
Things I'm good at / like doing:
So... what do y'all think? Anything that I've left off? What do you think I'd be good at? Suggestions as to how to go about it / what pitfalls to avoid?
This oversight has become a glaring problem because some events at work have made me realize that I need to take more control over the trajectory of my career. Frankly, that whole thought spiral made me break out into a cold sweat. Seriously, I was balled up on the couch, head in the girlfriend's lap, staring into space for a good 30 minutes. It goes something like this:
My boss overlooked me for a project that would have given me more exposure to upper management > My boss has done this a number of times, and it makes me feel like he doesn't respect me > He only thinks I can do this one thing > What if I can only do this one thing? > Bullshit, your reviews are great, and the compliments from clients are pretty steady > Yeah, but you don't have a degree and CB does (story for another time), and even though she hasn't contributed nearly as much, he still thinks that her degree makes her more qualified > So I should look into getting a degree > What degree should I get?> This isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life > But what do I want to do for the rest of my life?>I want to go to school full time > But I can't afford that. > But I want to try out a bunch of different things > But you don't have the luxury > OK, but if I'm going to pay for college, it should be something good, right? > Wait, what if I pay for college and end up with a worthless degree in an area I find completely boring in 4 years? > What is it I want again? >What if I'm stuck in a career I hate + have $30,000 in debt to show for it? > Well shit, if you don't get a move on it, that college degree is going to cost $50AHHHHHH.
Pretty impressive, huh?
Well, it's more exhausting than impressive, really. SO. What to do. I know! I'll make a list. I'll list the things I like, the things I know I'm good at, the things I'd like to be good at, and go from there.
Things I'm good at / like doing:
- Public speaking
- Explaining things in a way that make sense
- Empathizing
- Problem-solving
- Motivating people
- Finding the good in people
- Being funny / witty
- Engaging people
- Teaching
- Listening
- Supporting people
- Figuring out the right combination of colors to dye my own hair
- Following recipes / cooking
- Learning languages (though it's been a while)
- Making friends
- Accepting myself / my body / my past / my responsibilities / other people as they are
- Being honest about what I want
- Reading people
- Traveling / exploring new towns
- Figuring out the root cause of problems (even if this knowledge is wholly unhelpful)
- Girl sex (A made me add this one, but it's totes true)
- Pretending to care when I really don't
- Numbers - putting them together, making them make sense in my head
- Organization
- Time management
- Money management
- Motivating myself to do the mundane aspects of the job
- Traveling in the small airline seats
- Sleeping in hotel beds
- Anything requiring physical coordination
- Dieting
- Data entry (esp. numbers)
- Repetitive tasks
- Being a serious adult
- Organizing
- Time and money management
- People management
- Psychology
- Nutrition
- Fitness while Fat
- Helping others with acceptance issues
- College professor (what subject???) (A - " NOT math! ") History, psychology, business, presentation skills.
- Writing
- Acting (local stage plays, maybe a one-woman show)
- Something that allows for me to have a life outside of my career.
So... what do y'all think? Anything that I've left off? What do you think I'd be good at? Suggestions as to how to go about it / what pitfalls to avoid?
Friday, January 28, 2011
I'm your problem
To my homosexual friends - I'm sorry. Really, I am. It occurred to me the other day that people like me are the reason that people like you have problems with the general population. See, I'd be willing to bet that there are more like me - those with a sexual fluidity - than there are those like you - no fluidity, just a straight up 6 on the Kinsey scale.
I never really thought about it until recently, but I've been attracted to both sexes all of my life. In addition to the cuteboy crushes, I remember feeling funny around girls I thought were attractive. Growing up in the Jehovah's Witness congregation, I'd kissed one elder's son, and played "doctor" with another elder's daughter, mostly out of curiosity and because it felt good. However, without much internal drama, I focused on boys because that was socially - and religiously - acceptable. If I was still a Jehovah's Witness today, I'd focus on men exclusively, with very little thought to the other side of the fence.
If I had to guess, I'd bet a lot of these religious types who say that sexuality is a preference are telling the truth - their truth, which happens to include this sexual fluidity. A lot of people assume that if something is true for themselves, it is true for everyone else - which actually is almost never the case, but which might explain why they feel it is so easy to do away with those "sinful" tendencies.
I hear a lot of dialogue in gay circles about the fact that sexuality is hardwired, which for many is true, but which is also problematic because it is an incomplete picture. I am not hardwired in any one direction, and I have a fuckton of choice. When I was younger and more religious, I had no problem focusing on guys. I'm no longer a JW, and when I became disillusioned by the dating pool, I decided to check out what was going on in the girls' locker room. I literally woke up one day and decided to date women.
And that is why I'm you're problem, my gay friends. People like me are where the gay rights movement gets it wrong. I'm in a gay relationship because I chose to be in one. There are people in the world who have a choice in gender as it regards their heart, and some of those people are judgmental, myopic, religious assholes who can't think beyond their own experience to imagine that it could possibly be different for anyone else. And unfortunately, some of those people are given a stage and a microphone and a budget with which to spew their bile. The gay movement cannot be similarly myopic and assume that no one has a choice, as if bisexuality is only ever that last stop on the train to Gaytown.
Clearly, it is vital to discuss the fact that for many people there is no choice, but that can't be the only focus. This is not just about that. The fact of the matter is, choices or no, people are people, dammit. We should demand equal footing because of our fucking humanity, not because our lack or wealth of choice. While there are specific sources online, I maintain that there needs to be more talk of sexual fluidity in the general discussion of gay rights, and not just as it concerns Lindsey Lohan (or on Oprah, where I begrudgingly admit that I first heard the phrase "sexual fluidity"). Until that time, people like me will continue to be a problem for people like you - our choice will continue to be held over your heads until both DNA and choice are viewed as perfectly valid reasons to love someone.
So anyway, that's my "aha" moment for this week.
ETA - Re-reading this makes me realize that I've been in a bit of a bubble, both lately (because I'm soooo in loooove) and in general (because of my previously mostly straight-ish lifestyle). While I've pretty much always felt that gay rights and equality were important for society in general, having a girlfriend has suddenly made this a lot more personal. Coming out of my hetero-normative bubble has been eye-opening, and while that in itself is an experience that is (in my opinion) worthy of writing down, the fact is that I'm just now realizing things that other people have known for a while.
I'm getting ahead of myself with phrases like, "this is where the gay rights movement gets it wrong", and frankly, as I look around the blogosphere, there are a number of people that have been having discussions on sexual fluidity - I just hadn't stopped snogging my girlfriend to have a look around. In short, the content stands, but the knowier-than-thou attitude that kinda cropped up there can hopefully be examined and then shown the door.
I never really thought about it until recently, but I've been attracted to both sexes all of my life. In addition to the cuteboy crushes, I remember feeling funny around girls I thought were attractive. Growing up in the Jehovah's Witness congregation, I'd kissed one elder's son, and played "doctor" with another elder's daughter, mostly out of curiosity and because it felt good. However, without much internal drama, I focused on boys because that was socially - and religiously - acceptable. If I was still a Jehovah's Witness today, I'd focus on men exclusively, with very little thought to the other side of the fence.
If I had to guess, I'd bet a lot of these religious types who say that sexuality is a preference are telling the truth - their truth, which happens to include this sexual fluidity. A lot of people assume that if something is true for themselves, it is true for everyone else - which actually is almost never the case, but which might explain why they feel it is so easy to do away with those "sinful" tendencies.
I hear a lot of dialogue in gay circles about the fact that sexuality is hardwired, which for many is true, but which is also problematic because it is an incomplete picture. I am not hardwired in any one direction, and I have a fuckton of choice. When I was younger and more religious, I had no problem focusing on guys. I'm no longer a JW, and when I became disillusioned by the dating pool, I decided to check out what was going on in the girls' locker room. I literally woke up one day and decided to date women.
And that is why I'm you're problem, my gay friends. People like me are where the gay rights movement gets it wrong. I'm in a gay relationship because I chose to be in one. There are people in the world who have a choice in gender as it regards their heart, and some of those people are judgmental, myopic, religious assholes who can't think beyond their own experience to imagine that it could possibly be different for anyone else. And unfortunately, some of those people are given a stage and a microphone and a budget with which to spew their bile. The gay movement cannot be similarly myopic and assume that no one has a choice, as if bisexuality is only ever that last stop on the train to Gaytown.
Clearly, it is vital to discuss the fact that for many people there is no choice, but that can't be the only focus. This is not just about that. The fact of the matter is, choices or no, people are people, dammit. We should demand equal footing because of our fucking humanity, not because our lack or wealth of choice. While there are specific sources online, I maintain that there needs to be more talk of sexual fluidity in the general discussion of gay rights, and not just as it concerns Lindsey Lohan (or on Oprah, where I begrudgingly admit that I first heard the phrase "sexual fluidity"). Until that time, people like me will continue to be a problem for people like you - our choice will continue to be held over your heads until both DNA and choice are viewed as perfectly valid reasons to love someone.
So anyway, that's my "aha" moment for this week.
ETA - Re-reading this makes me realize that I've been in a bit of a bubble, both lately (because I'm soooo in loooove) and in general (because of my previously mostly straight-ish lifestyle). While I've pretty much always felt that gay rights and equality were important for society in general, having a girlfriend has suddenly made this a lot more personal. Coming out of my hetero-normative bubble has been eye-opening, and while that in itself is an experience that is (in my opinion) worthy of writing down, the fact is that I'm just now realizing things that other people have known for a while.
I'm getting ahead of myself with phrases like, "this is where the gay rights movement gets it wrong", and frankly, as I look around the blogosphere, there are a number of people that have been having discussions on sexual fluidity - I just hadn't stopped snogging my girlfriend to have a look around. In short, the content stands, but the knowier-than-thou attitude that kinda cropped up there can hopefully be examined and then shown the door.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
This should be weirder, right?
Ok, so I've been seeing a pretty fabulous gal for almost 3 months now. Fabulous how, you ask? Well, she gets my oddball sense of humor, has zero judgment about my somewhat tawdry past, and is pretty much the best quality human being I've ever personally known. She has a great family, has done some pretty wonderful things with her life, and just took care of my sick, whiny ass with the sweetest demeanor and sense of humor possible.
And I keep on wondering when this is going to feel weird. I mean... I'm in a relationship (yup, we're girlfriends) with a woman. Like, she has no penis. A genuine, vag-card carrying woman. A lesbian. So why does this feel so comfortable? I didn't even need a burn-in period.
Honestly, the not feeling weird about this whole thing is kinda weirding me out.
It started with the friends and family - I thought I'd get at least some push-back from my mother. Nada. Was pretty sure my friends would, I dunno - make fun of me or something. I mean, I am kind of a goofy person, and wouldn't it be just like me to go dating a woman, just for kicks. Nope - nothing but support and well-wishes. I can't even get strangers on the street to look at us funny. Hand-holding and any PDA are generally ignored. Hello, people - can someone make a big deal about this??
Anyone? Bueller?
Turns out the people in my life genuinely want my happiness, and strangers don't matter / give a fuck. This was... easier than expected.
And it's fucking weirding me out!!
More than that, there's not a whole lot of drama in our relationship. I mean, it's so fucking peaceful and loving, I make myself sick with the sweetness. There's none of that "does she or doesn't she?". She does. Without reserve or fear. She totally does. It's almost anti-climactic. I find a great person to be with, and it's... wonderful. Calm and wonderful.
It took me a few weeks to be ok with that, y'know?
So now what the fuck do I do with this blog? I could say something completely cynical, but I'm not going to. Instead, it turns out, there's a lot going on in this wacky head of mine. So, I'll still blog about love, for sure. But it's a big world and a big life, and I have a lot of big ideas. So I'm opening the focus of this here blog, and I hope you'll enjoy the results.
And I keep on wondering when this is going to feel weird. I mean... I'm in a relationship (yup, we're girlfriends) with a woman. Like, she has no penis. A genuine, vag-card carrying woman. A lesbian. So why does this feel so comfortable? I didn't even need a burn-in period.
Honestly, the not feeling weird about this whole thing is kinda weirding me out.
It started with the friends and family - I thought I'd get at least some push-back from my mother. Nada. Was pretty sure my friends would, I dunno - make fun of me or something. I mean, I am kind of a goofy person, and wouldn't it be just like me to go dating a woman, just for kicks. Nope - nothing but support and well-wishes. I can't even get strangers on the street to look at us funny. Hand-holding and any PDA are generally ignored. Hello, people - can someone make a big deal about this??
Anyone? Bueller?
Turns out the people in my life genuinely want my happiness, and strangers don't matter / give a fuck. This was... easier than expected.
And it's fucking weirding me out!!
More than that, there's not a whole lot of drama in our relationship. I mean, it's so fucking peaceful and loving, I make myself sick with the sweetness. There's none of that "does she or doesn't she?". She does. Without reserve or fear. She totally does. It's almost anti-climactic. I find a great person to be with, and it's... wonderful. Calm and wonderful.
It took me a few weeks to be ok with that, y'know?
So now what the fuck do I do with this blog? I could say something completely cynical, but I'm not going to. Instead, it turns out, there's a lot going on in this wacky head of mine. So, I'll still blog about love, for sure. But it's a big world and a big life, and I have a lot of big ideas. So I'm opening the focus of this here blog, and I hope you'll enjoy the results.
Oh yeah, writing
I always think it's so weird when my favorite bloggers apologize after a period of not writing - helloooo, it's a free blog, they don't owe me anything. So this is me not apologizing.
Man I suck at this.
Ok fine - I'm sorry that it's been a while between posts, but things have been brewing in the Casey universe.
First things first - I'm seeing someone. A woman. Woot. We have some mutual friends and have known each other for a while. I had often thought to myself, "Man, if I were ever to date a woman, it should be someone like A." Dur. It finally dawned on me to just date A, and as it turns out, I was right. She's pretty flippin' awesome.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves - let's back up to about a week and a half before it occurred to me that I should ask A out. I was at lunch with my favorite blonde bombshell, where I admitted that I was bitter about relationships. That's right - I said out loud that I was angry and bitter and disappointed and sad that my personal life had not only not turned out the way I'd planned, but that it had also been so painful - that pursuing my interest in women seemed like one more way to be rejected (oh yeah - bisexuals are kinda persona non grata in the women-dating-women world). I admitted out loud that I was angry at myself because so much of the pain was my own stubbornness and unwillingness to accept the facts at hand. I copped - finally - to all of the negative and hurtful and soul-crushing doubts that I've been having the whole time.
And you know what? I felt better.
I mean, not like Julie-Andrews-twirling-in-the-field better, but I felt relief - like when you finally pop that stubborn pimple, or the when the pregnancy test comes up negative after some ill-timed debauchery. I'd been holding in the feelings that I thought would make me appear pathetic, or needy, or desperate. But then I read and re-read some of the posts from my favorite bloggers on the subject of being single when you don't want to be, and I realized that in trying to avoid the judgment of others, I wasn't being real with myself, and that just isn't cricket.
It's like admitting to the negative cleared it out of my system - I didn't have to pretend to be hunky dory when I wasn't. And then someone who I'd seen several times suddenly seemed like exactly the right person for me.
So anyway, I'm still here, still brewing posts in my head - just haven't taken the time to put them down in blog format. But doing this is so helpful to me, and I hope it is helpful to you guys out there. I'll try to do better at the turn-around, and will post this and get right to work on the weirdness that is dating a woman and not feeling weird about it.
Man I suck at this.
Ok fine - I'm sorry that it's been a while between posts, but things have been brewing in the Casey universe.
First things first - I'm seeing someone. A woman. Woot. We have some mutual friends and have known each other for a while. I had often thought to myself, "Man, if I were ever to date a woman, it should be someone like A." Dur. It finally dawned on me to just date A, and as it turns out, I was right. She's pretty flippin' awesome.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves - let's back up to about a week and a half before it occurred to me that I should ask A out. I was at lunch with my favorite blonde bombshell, where I admitted that I was bitter about relationships. That's right - I said out loud that I was angry and bitter and disappointed and sad that my personal life had not only not turned out the way I'd planned, but that it had also been so painful - that pursuing my interest in women seemed like one more way to be rejected (oh yeah - bisexuals are kinda persona non grata in the women-dating-women world). I admitted out loud that I was angry at myself because so much of the pain was my own stubbornness and unwillingness to accept the facts at hand. I copped - finally - to all of the negative and hurtful and soul-crushing doubts that I've been having the whole time.
And you know what? I felt better.
I mean, not like Julie-Andrews-twirling-in-the-field better, but I felt relief - like when you finally pop that stubborn pimple, or the when the pregnancy test comes up negative after some ill-timed debauchery. I'd been holding in the feelings that I thought would make me appear pathetic, or needy, or desperate. But then I read and re-read some of the posts from my favorite bloggers on the subject of being single when you don't want to be, and I realized that in trying to avoid the judgment of others, I wasn't being real with myself, and that just isn't cricket.
It's like admitting to the negative cleared it out of my system - I didn't have to pretend to be hunky dory when I wasn't. And then someone who I'd seen several times suddenly seemed like exactly the right person for me.
So anyway, I'm still here, still brewing posts in my head - just haven't taken the time to put them down in blog format. But doing this is so helpful to me, and I hope it is helpful to you guys out there. I'll try to do better at the turn-around, and will post this and get right to work on the weirdness that is dating a woman and not feeling weird about it.
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