Shouldn't I know this by now?

This is a bit embarrassing to admit... but I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I mean, I have an idea of what I'm good at so far, and what I absolutely hate / suck at... but I can't commit to a career in any one area.

This oversight has become a glaring problem because some events at work have made me realize that I need to take more control over the trajectory of my career. Frankly, that whole thought spiral made me break out into a cold sweat. Seriously, I was balled up on the couch, head in the girlfriend's lap, staring into space for a good 30 minutes. It goes something like this:

My boss overlooked me for a project that would have given me more exposure to upper management > My boss has done this a number of times, and it makes me feel like he doesn't respect me > He only thinks I can do this one thing > What if I can only do this one thing? > Bullshit, your reviews are great, and the compliments from clients are pretty steady > Yeah, but you don't have a degree and CB does (story for another time), and even though she hasn't contributed nearly as much, he still thinks that her degree makes her more qualified > So I should look into getting a degree > What degree should I get?> This isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life > But what do I want to do for the rest of my life?>I want to go to school full time > But I can't afford that. > But I want to try out a bunch of different things > But you don't have the luxury > OK, but if I'm going to pay for college, it should be something good, right? > Wait, what if I pay for college and end up with a worthless degree in an area I find completely boring in 4 years? > What is it I want again? >What if I'm stuck in a career I hate + have $30,000 in debt to show for it? > Well shit, if you don't get a move on it, that college degree is going to cost $50AHHHHHH.

Pretty impressive, huh?

Well, it's more exhausting than impressive, really. SO. What to do. I know! I'll make a list. I'll list the things I like, the things I know I'm good at, the things I'd like to be good at, and go from there.

Things I'm good at / like doing:

• Public speaking
• Explaining things in a way that make sense
• Empathizing
• Problem-solving
• Motivating people
• Finding the good in people
• Being funny / witty
  
• Engaging people
• Teaching
• Listening
• Supporting people
• Figuring out the right combination of colors to dye my own hair
• Following recipes / cooking
  
• Learning languages (though it's been a while)
• Making friends
• Accepting myself / my body / my past / my responsibilities / other people as they are
• Being honest about what I want
• Reading people
• Traveling / exploring new towns
• Figuring out the root cause of problems (even if this knowledge is wholly unhelpful)
• Girl sex (A made me add this one, but it's totes true)
  

Things I'm bad at / hate doing

• Pretending to care when I really don't
• Numbers - putting them together, making them make sense in my head
• Organization
• Time management
• Money management
• Motivating myself to do the mundane aspects of the job
• Traveling in the small airline seats
• Sleeping in hotel beds
  
• Anything requiring physical coordination
• Dieting
• Data entry (esp. numbers)
• Repetitive tasks
• Being a serious adult

Things I'd like to explore / get good at:

• Organizing
• Time and money management
• People management
• Psychology
• Nutrition
• Fitness while Fat
• Helping others with acceptance issues
• College professor (what subject???) (A - " NOT math! ") History, psychology, business, presentation skills.
  
• Writing
• Acting (local stage plays, maybe a one-woman show)
  
• Something that allows for me to have a life outside of my career.
  

I'm sort of giving college professor the hairy eyeball right now. In fact, I've been told a couple of times that I'd be good at this. The amount of schooling to get to that point seems a little daunting, but the best way I've heard it put is this: If it takes 6 years to get both a degree and an advanced degree, those 6 years are going to pass regardless, and you might as well have a degree at the end of that time, rather than more regrets for not doing it.

So... what do y'all think? Anything that I've left off? What do you think I'd be good at? Suggestions as to how to go about it / what pitfalls to avoid?

I'm your problem

To my homosexual friends - I'm sorry. Really, I am. It occurred to me the other day that people like me are the reason that people like you have problems with the general population. See, I'd be willing to bet that there are more like me - those with a sexual fluidity - than there are those like you - no fluidity, just a straight up 6 on the Kinsey scale.

I never really thought about it until recently, but I've been attracted to both sexes all of my life. In addition to the cuteboy crushes, I remember feeling funny around girls I thought were attractive. Growing up in the Jehovah's Witness congregation, I'd kissed one elder's son, and played "doctor" with another elder's daughter, mostly out of curiosity and because it felt good. However, without much internal drama, I focused on boys because that was socially - and religiously - acceptable. If I was still a Jehovah's Witness today, I'd focus on men exclusively, with very little thought to the other side of the fence.

If I had to guess, I'd bet a lot of these religious types who say that sexuality is a preference are telling the truth - their truth, which happens to include this sexual fluidity. A lot of people assume that if something is true for themselves, it is true for everyone else - which actually is almost never the case, but which might explain why they feel it is so easy to do away with those "sinful" tendencies.

I hear a lot of dialogue in gay circles about the fact that sexuality is hardwired, which for many is true, but which is also problematic because it is an incomplete picture. I am not hardwired in any one direction, and I have a fuckton of choice. When I was younger and more religious, I had no problem focusing on guys. I'm no longer a JW, and when I became disillusioned by the dating pool, I decided to check out what was going on in the girls' locker room. I literally woke up one day and decided to date women.

And that is why I'm you're problem, my gay friends. People like me are where the gay rights movement gets it wrong. I'm in a gay relationship because I chose to be in one. There are people in the world who have a choice in gender as it regards their heart, and some of those people are judgmental, myopic, religious assholes who can't think beyond their own experience to imagine that it could possibly be different for anyone else. And unfortunately, some of those people are given a stage and a microphone and a budget with which to spew their bile. The gay movement cannot be similarly myopic and assume that no one has a choice, as if bisexuality is only ever that last stop on the train to Gaytown.

Clearly, it is vital to discuss the fact that for many people there is no choice, but that can't be the only focus. This is not just about that. The fact of the matter is, choices or no, people are people, dammit. We should demand equal footing because of our fucking humanity, not because our lack or wealth of choice. While there are specific sources online, I maintain that there needs to be more talk of sexual fluidity in the general discussion of gay rights, and not just as it concerns Lindsey Lohan (or on Oprah, where I begrudgingly admit that I first heard the phrase "sexual fluidity"). Until that time, people like me will continue to be a problem for people like you - our choice will continue to be held over your heads until both DNA and choice are viewed as perfectly valid reasons to love someone.

So anyway, that's my "aha" moment for this week.

ETA - Re-reading this makes me realize that I've been in a bit of a bubble, both lately (because I'm soooo in loooove) and in general (because of my previously mostly straight-ish lifestyle). While I've pretty much always felt that gay rights and equality were important for society in general, having a girlfriend has suddenly made this a lot more personal. Coming out of my hetero-normative bubble has been eye-opening, and while that in itself is an experience that is (in my opinion) worthy of writing down, the fact is that I'm just now realizing things that other people have known for a while.

I'm getting ahead of myself with phrases like, "this is where the gay rights movement gets it wrong", and frankly, as I look around the blogosphere, there are a number of people that have been having discussions on sexual fluidity - I just hadn't stopped snogging my girlfriend to have a look around. In short, the content stands, but the knowier-than-thou attitude that kinda cropped up there can hopefully be examined and then shown the door.

This should be weirder, right?

Ok, so I've been seeing a pretty fabulous gal for almost 3 months now. Fabulous how, you ask? Well, she gets my oddball sense of humor, has zero judgment about my somewhat tawdry past, and is pretty much the best quality human being I've ever personally known. She has a great family, has done some pretty wonderful things with her life, and just took care of my sick, whiny ass with the sweetest demeanor and sense of humor possible.

And I keep on wondering when this is going to feel weird. I mean... I'm in a relationship (yup, we're girlfriends) with a woman. Like, she has no penis. A genuine, vag-card carrying woman. A lesbian. So why does this feel so comfortable? I didn't even need a burn-in period.

Honestly, the not feeling weird about this whole thing is kinda weirding me out.

It started with the friends and family - I thought I'd get at least some push-back from my mother. Nada. Was pretty sure my friends would, I dunno - make fun of me or something. I mean, I am kind of a goofy person, and wouldn't it be just like me to go dating a woman, just for kicks. Nope - nothing but support and well-wishes. I can't even get strangers on the street to look at us funny. Hand-holding and any PDA are generally ignored. Hello, people - can someone make a big deal about this??

Anyone? Bueller?

Turns out the people in my life genuinely want my happiness, and strangers don't matter / give a fuck. This was... easier than expected.

And it's fucking weirding me out!!

More than that, there's not a whole lot of drama in our relationship. I mean, it's so fucking peaceful and loving, I make myself sick with the sweetness. There's none of that "does she or doesn't she?". She does. Without reserve or fear. She totally does. It's almost anti-climactic. I find a great person to be with, and it's... wonderful. Calm and wonderful.

It took me a few weeks to be ok with that, y'know?

So now what the fuck do I do with this blog? I could say something completely cynical, but I'm not going to. Instead, it turns out, there's a lot going on in this wacky head of mine. So, I'll still blog about love, for sure. But it's a big world and a big life, and I have a lot of big ideas. So I'm opening the focus of this here blog, and I hope you'll enjoy the results.

Oh yeah, writing

I always think it's so weird when my favorite bloggers apologize after a period of not writing - helloooo, it's a free blog, they don't owe me anything. So this is me not apologizing.

Man I suck at this.

Ok fine - I'm sorry that it's been a while between posts, but things have been brewing in the Casey universe.

First things first - I'm seeing someone. A woman. Woot. We have some mutual friends and have known each other for a while. I had often thought to myself, "Man, if I were ever to date a woman, it should be someone like A." Dur. It finally dawned on me to just date A, and as it turns out, I was right. She's pretty flippin' awesome.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves - let's back up to about a week and a half before it occurred to me that I should ask A out. I was at lunch with my favorite blonde bombshell, where I admitted that I was bitter about relationships. That's right - I said out loud that I was angry and bitter and disappointed and sad that my personal life had not only not turned out the way I'd planned, but that it had also been so painful - that pursuing my interest in women seemed like one more way to be rejected (oh yeah - bisexuals are kinda persona non grata in the women-dating-women world). I admitted out loud that I was angry at myself because so much of the pain was my own stubbornness and unwillingness to accept the facts at hand. I copped - finally - to all of the negative and hurtful and soul-crushing doubts that I've been having the whole time.

And you know what? I felt better.

I mean, not like Julie-Andrews-twirling-in-the-field better, but I felt relief - like when you finally pop that stubborn pimple, or the when the pregnancy test comes up negative after some ill-timed debauchery. I'd been holding in the feelings that I thought would make me appear pathetic, or needy, or desperate. But then I read and re-read some of the posts from my favorite bloggers on the subject of being single when you don't want to be, and I realized that in trying to avoid the judgment of others, I wasn't being real with myself, and that just isn't cricket.

It's like admitting to the negative cleared it out of my system - I didn't have to pretend to be hunky dory when I wasn't. And then someone who I'd seen several times suddenly seemed like exactly the right person for me.

So anyway, I'm still here, still brewing posts in my head - just haven't taken the time to put them down in blog format. But doing this is so helpful to me, and I hope it is helpful to you guys out there. I'll try to do better at the turn-around, and will post this and get right to work on the weirdness that is dating a woman and not feeling weird about it.

The prerogative of the brave...

Un cobarde es incapaz de mostrar amor, es la prerrogativa de los valientes.-Paulo Coelho

For my non-Spanish speaking friends, the loose translation is that cowards are incapable of showing love, for that is the prerogative of the brave. A good friend of mine posted this just recently, and I so needed those words right now. I needed this right now, because I am confused. I know what I want in my life, in a person, but I can't wrap my head around what that is going to look like. Do I set up another online profile? Do I cruise the gay bars? Am I brave enough to keep trying?

Compounding the confusion is self-doubt. Maybe the rain is getting to me, or maybe I'm just having a series of days in which the head rats are winning. Definitely not feeling like "the shit", definitely feeling unattractive, definitely wondering if I could be what anyone finds appealing. This uncomfortable feeling will pass, but it is crippling in the short-term.

As I type this, P (you remember, the married one) calls me. He's saying that I'm beautiful, that the sex we had was the best he's ever had, that he's never met anyone like me... and can we meet just one last time, for old time's sake. No, P. I do not want to meet up with you. I do not want to fuck you, and you will not be what gives me back my groove. I'll admit, it's nice to be called beautiful and good in bed by a gorgeous man, but there is nothing in the half-assed, jack-assed dead cat that he is offering me that I find the least bit tempting.

I just... I'm wary of exploring, and I feel like being brave has turned me into target practice. The exploring - especially of the sexual kind - is usually fun for me, but the rejection on the relationship level has been surprising and painful. Still, when I'm told, "you'll find love when you stop looking for it", I want to hit the person saying that. I actually wrote a several paragraph rant about that tired-ass trope, but it's raining outside, and what I really want is to fall asleep in someone's arms to the sound of the rain hitting the ground.

It is difficult to be straight forward about wanting to be in a relationship when you're told that that kind of honesty is scary to other people. I've been thinking about this for several days, and I think my confusion is fear, and that I've been buying into other people's projections. It's easy to feel ridiculous and lose your nerve when what you're doing is too scary for others to contemplate.

Another thing is that I have got to get ok with my own physical preferences, because trying to not seem judgmental is another source of doubt and confusion, and it's totally unnecessary. While what I like physically can be pretty broad, I am attracted to confidence, masculinity, strength, and style - I definitely want to be the girl in the relationship. If a person wears child molester glasses and ill-fitting clothes, I can't hang. As for what makes my lady parts perk up, think Abraham Benrubi, Hugo Reyes, kd lang, and Hamish (the big ginger from Braveheart - totally a sucker for a man in a kilt).





On that note, I am looking for someone who is equally brave, someone that knows how to love with freedom and trust, someone who gets that the best relationship is one in which there are two distinct individuals. I want someone who understands that a strong relationship can be light and fun - titanium as opposed to weapons grade steel. I suspect that people who need love to sneak up on them never really set appropriate personal boundaries to begin with, and they end up feeling smothered in their relationships. They can keep their scaredy cat views, I don't want any of that.

I guess for me the bravery has to come in trusting that I'm moving in the right direction, even if I am confused, even if it is not the normal path to take. I feel like I sometimes both repeat and contradict myself - I want LOVE (the kind with wings)! I want SEX (lots of it - monogamously, even)! I want HONEST DISCOURSE (followed by tied-to-the-headboard intercourse)! I want BRAVERY! I want FREEDOM!

Eh, you'll get used to it.

Just one more thing...

I believe in the power of words. I think that they can affect, free, bind, heal, hurt, and move you. I think what you put down, you believe, and move toward. That's why, even when I'm sad or angry or upset, I try to use humor and end on a positive note - so that the last thing you read from me isn't negative.

With that in mind, I would like to take the focus off of "The Trouble With Love", and rename this blog Crazy Heart. This name needs almost no explanation for those who know me, though I've also linked the song that inspired it. The lyric "Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try" came to me right when I needed to hear it, and my hope is that my words are also timely for you.

*ding*

I think a light bulb just went off in my head. I'm watching this year's Emmy Roundtable (Newsweek does this every year and it's pretty cool to see the Emmy nominees sit around a table and talk to each other about film, roles, and acting), and Bryan Kranston of Malcolm in the Middle and Breaking Bad is making all kinds of sense to me.



He's sitting next to Chris Colfer of Glee, and it is clear that Bryan feels a need to reach out to the younger actor with advice. And it's not from a sense of "listen here, sonny", but rather - hey, this is the hard lesson I learned, and I hope you learn it faster than I did. More than that, it's pretty awesome advice. About an hour into the discussion, he starts talking about the audition process, and there is so much of that which makes sense with the dating process. This is what resonated with me in that section of the interview:

"Our job is to create a compelling character that serves the text and ... to give them something, we don't audition to get something. ... If they respond to it, great. If they don't, that's ok, too. If you feel that you're there to get that job, it could only hurt you. You have to detach yourself from some idea of an outcome. It's someone else's decision - they'll either like your voice, hair, etc., or they won't. To bother yourself with thinking about those things... meh.

...The end product for an actor's audition has to be that moment in the room...If you leave the room and say, "I did what I wanted to do, I felt great about that" - that has to be the victory. It cannot be, "It's a victory only if they call me because they want to hire me", because if they don't, it's another little chink, and another little chink (in the armor). They become embittered. We all know actors who are pissed off... because they focus on the wrong thing. The other is the x factor - and that is luck, which you can't control."

(italics mine)

*ding* *ding* *ding*

Who hasn't felt that chinking away of the armor when yet another date goes poorly? Or, when yet another person for whom you've developed feelings doesn't feel the same? Lights go on everywhere for me when he says this. For a while I've been fighting this acrid bitterness that arises in my heart when I am disappointed in love. Going back to my previous post, I *know* that one should not become bitter, but that is what I feel when time after time my heart is hurt.

Approaching dating as trying to get something - with the end result in mind, as it where - for me has only ever set up a lose-lose situation in which anger and bitterness so easily take over. But making my goal to give something - an accurate representation of who I am and what I have to offer - then letting it go... just sounds so much more reasonable, and feels so liberating to contemplate. I've talked before about having a receptive (rather than desperate) quality, and I think this is what that looks like. Eureka.

I can see how this would help me to retain that emotional control and positivity, as would trusting them to know what their needs are, and whether or not I have what they need. And it allows me to leave (some of) the angst at the door. I'm going to fuck this up, and forget the 'pow' of this light bulb moment, but I'm hoping that recording this here will give me something to go back to, to read and re-remember, and hopefully that will stick at the cellular level if I am just patient with myself.

I've been wanting to despair, but his words give me hope. Gonna give it one (or how ever many it takes) more try.