Wednesday, April 21, 2010

... Sometimes You Feel Like Giving Up

I am sure one day the following, stream-of-conscious rant will not seem so painful to me, but this is how I felt when I woke up this morning:

I'm still mad as fuck this morning. I woke up with my fists clenched. I fucking hate every part of this. Do you hear me?? EVERY FUCKING PART OF THIS SUCKS. I hate men. I hate their fucking sensitive egos, and the fact that you either get an asshole or an idiot. There doesn't seem to be much in between. Seriously, I give the fuck up. I give up, I give up, I give up. I am so fucking sick and tired of expecting halfway decent behavior. I think that I am pretty up front with what is acceptable and what is not. I do not feel that I am some how attracting assholes - I think that's all there fucking is out there. Single at 35? Probably because you're a fucking asshole. Give up. I just want to smash someone's face in right now. I can't even get my fucking Wii remote to work, and I'm pissed, and I just want to hit something until it bleeds. I want to mangle the next man I see. I am fucking tired of being fair when I am not being treated fairly. It is not ok to make me wait. It is not ok to try to split your time. Focus on me when you are with me, dammit. I am so fucking done with this shit. And what pisses me off even more is the thought that some happily coupled person would simply coo that it's just a matter of time. Or worse, that a future happy self would look back at me now and smile at my being so upset. And you know what really sucks? I feel like I've brought this on myself. I hate everything right now. I am so upset and I am tired of feeling disappointed. I am tired of thinking that my expectations are so high - having someone show the fuck up on time is NOT a high expectation. It is NOT. I am so fucking tired of my own inability to articulate the truth in the moment. I knew this was going to turn out this way, and I didn't reschedule. Because I wanted him to have his shit together enough to be able to give me a fucking reasonable time. I wanted him to have his shit together and he did not, and he fucking wasted my time in the process, and I fucking let him. I am so mad at myself, at him, at every fucking man who thought it was ok to waste my time. I hate that the only ppl truly interested in me are men that I do not find attractive. What kind of fucking cosmic joke is that?? I am angry at the wind. I am angry at the atmosphere, at the sun, at happy people, at assholes, at everyone. I want to throw and break things, I want to pummel someone's face until it is a bloody mess. Mostly, I just wish it were right. I just wish I could have what I want - a guy that values me and whom I find interesting. Why is that so fucking difficult? It sounds so simple to my ears and I can't fathom for the life of me why it is so fucking difficult. WHY??? I know that I shouldn't let this upset me so much, but it really, really does. I hate crying over this shit. I just don't understand. I am so confused and hurt by this process... why the fuck is it so painful? Because I want something that I don't have, and I can't give it to myself, and I feel so pathetic that it upsets me.

ETA: OK, after like, the 5th time I read this, I started cracking up. I mean - this shit is so real, it's funny.

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