Tuesday, December 21, 2010

This should be weirder, right?

Ok, so I've been seeing a pretty fabulous gal for almost 3 months now. Fabulous how, you ask? Well, she gets my oddball sense of humor, has zero judgment about my somewhat tawdry past, and is pretty much the best quality human being I've ever personally known. She has a great family, has done some pretty wonderful things with her life, and just took care of my sick, whiny ass with the sweetest demeanor and sense of humor possible.

And I keep on wondering when this is going to feel weird. I mean... I'm in a relationship (yup, we're girlfriends) with a woman. Like, she has no penis. A genuine, vag-card carrying woman. A lesbian. So why does this feel so comfortable? I didn't even need a burn-in period.

Honestly, the not feeling weird about this whole thing is kinda weirding me out.

It started with the friends and family - I thought I'd get at least some push-back from my mother. Nada. Was pretty sure my friends would, I dunno - make fun of me or something. I mean, I am kind of a goofy person, and wouldn't it be just like me to go dating a woman, just for kicks. Nope - nothing but support and well-wishes. I can't even get strangers on the street to look at us funny. Hand-holding and any PDA are generally ignored. Hello, people - can someone make a big deal about this??

Anyone? Bueller?

Turns out the people in my life genuinely want my happiness, and strangers don't matter / give a fuck. This was... easier than expected.

And it's fucking weirding me out!!

More than that, there's not a whole lot of drama in our relationship. I mean, it's so fucking peaceful and loving, I make myself sick with the sweetness. There's none of that "does she or doesn't she?". She does. Without reserve or fear. She totally does. It's almost anti-climactic. I find a great person to be with, and it's... wonderful. Calm and wonderful.

It took me a few weeks to be ok with that, y'know?

So now what the fuck do I do with this blog? I could say something completely cynical, but I'm not going to. Instead, it turns out, there's a lot going on in this wacky head of mine. So, I'll still blog about love, for sure. But it's a big world and a big life, and I have a lot of big ideas. So I'm opening the focus of this here blog, and I hope you'll enjoy the results.

Oh yeah, writing

I always think it's so weird when my favorite bloggers apologize after a period of not writing - helloooo, it's a free blog, they don't owe me anything. So this is me not apologizing.

Man I suck at this.

Ok fine - I'm sorry that it's been a while between posts, but things have been brewing in the Casey universe.

First things first - I'm seeing someone. A woman. Woot. We have some mutual friends and have known each other for a while. I had often thought to myself, "Man, if I were ever to date a woman, it should be someone like A." Dur. It finally dawned on me to just date A, and as it turns out, I was right. She's pretty flippin' awesome.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves - let's back up to about a week and a half before it occurred to me that I should ask A out. I was at lunch with my favorite blonde bombshell, where I admitted that I was bitter about relationships. That's right - I said out loud that I was angry and bitter and disappointed and sad that my personal life had not only not turned out the way I'd planned, but that it had also been so painful - that pursuing my interest in women seemed like one more way to be rejected (oh yeah - bisexuals are kinda persona non grata in the women-dating-women world). I admitted out loud that I was angry at myself because so much of the pain was my own stubbornness and unwillingness to accept the facts at hand. I copped - finally - to all of the negative and hurtful and soul-crushing doubts that I've been having the whole time.

And you know what? I felt better.

I mean, not like Julie-Andrews-twirling-in-the-field better, but I felt relief - like when you finally pop that stubborn pimple, or the when the pregnancy test comes up negative after some ill-timed debauchery. I'd been holding in the feelings that I thought would make me appear pathetic, or needy, or desperate. But then I read and re-read some of the posts from my favorite bloggers on the subject of being single when you don't want to be, and I realized that in trying to avoid the judgment of others, I wasn't being real with myself, and that just isn't cricket.

It's like admitting to the negative cleared it out of my system - I didn't have to pretend to be hunky dory when I wasn't. And then someone who I'd seen several times suddenly seemed like exactly the right person for me.

So anyway, I'm still here, still brewing posts in my head - just haven't taken the time to put them down in blog format. But doing this is so helpful to me, and I hope it is helpful to you guys out there. I'll try to do better at the turn-around, and will post this and get right to work on the weirdness that is dating a woman and not feeling weird about it.