I said goodbye to N yesterday. I sent him an email, and explained that I could not be around someone who smoked so much pot, that the smell reminded me of my loved ones that could not be sober, and of the pain that caused. I explained that I was not trying to judge him, but rather protect myself. I suppose there's no way to read that without feeling judged, and his reaction showed this. Of course, fucking pothead that he is, he could not compose a coherent email, and instead sent 5 short emails in a row, each nastier and less sensical than the one before it.
He focused on my weight, my health, and said that I abused food. For about 30 seconds this took me right back to what it was like to live with Evil Stepdad - the constant put downs, the jabs about my weight, and feeling like shit because I was powerless to stop it. Then I snapped out of my little reverie and realized that I am not powerless to stop this toked out idiot. Hello, delete and block, you are my friends. And not to sink to his level, but given N's physique, health, and eating habits, not to mention his odiferous funk, the fact that *he* focused *my* weight and health is laughable. What a fucking tool.
When talking to my friends about this, my girl L thought it was funny that N would attempt such personal attacks, "Your self-confidence is bullet-proof! What was he going to try to do, make you feel bad about yourself?? C'mon, please." I needed to hear that. Though this particular incident didn't cause any lingering damage, I have had my self-confidence shaken by the difficulties of the last few years. However, it turns out that shaken is not the same as broken. I am adamant about keeping the energy in my life positive, and I work quickly to rid myself of negativity. If someone is a negative factor in my life, they are never there for long. No one is allowed to mess with my chi, goddammit. No one.
I am beginning to see why all of these attempts at relationships have seemed so wrong - those men could have never felt right because we did not come at things with the same energy, and poorly mixed chi is some bad chemistry indeed. I have tended to fall for people have a low sense of self-worth, and while it wasn't a conscious thought process on my part, the delusion was that I could make them better with my love. In reality, I didn't like it when N tried to fix me, why should anyone else like it if I tried - consciously or otherwise - to do the same?
If it is true that guys need to feel needed, need to feel useful (um, don't all PEOPLE have that need?), then only a guy with a solid belief in himself could see his value with a self-sufficient woman. If I have to play the game, play dumb, act like I neeeeed a mayun in order to get a guy's attention, that's almost certainly not going to be the guy for me.
I'm reminded of another conversation I recently had with ASL regarding her business model, and her goals for success. She made a great point, and that is to get from point A to point B, you have to believe that point B is attainable, and you have to truly want point B. I think that with going after guys who don't quite have it together, perhaps I've not felt that point B - awesome love with a kickass partner in crime (wicked smart, tall, fat, red-headed, mean-looking, kilt-wearing motherfucker would be super-awesome) - is truly attainable. I mean, why wouldn't I feel that way? Every media outlet on the planet can't wait to tell me how unattractive, near-death, and practically useless I am,which - ha - conversely means that I'm invisible to all of those people that believe that message.
WELL FUCK THAT. Seriously, fuck that in two.
It IS attainable. It IS what I want. And I WILL have it. I'm tired of accepting less, and I refuse to for one minute more. There is too much that is great in this here life to settle for less. I think I've been stressing about the time line - I want this now, I want this yesterday, dammit. But hey, them's the breaks. I have no control over the time line, and that sucks. But stressing over it hasn't sped up the process one iota. So if I want good, if I want awesome, I have to believe it'll happen, and I have to be patient. And maybe light some candles to get some good chi flowing in that direction...