Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Resurrecting My Inner Samantha

I got to spend a lot of time with M this long weekend, and I'm so glad that I did. The physical chemistry is pretty great with him - when he decides to be physical. I purposefully wore a skirt on our date on Sunday, which definitely piqued his interest, and another base was rounded, ha. Problem is, until we parked on that dark road and started getting physical with one another, he was kind of annoying the shit out of me. No need for details, he wasn't doing anything wrong per se, but I've been noticing some red flags and my mind just wasn't letting me get away with ignoring those. Ain't that a pisser.

We saw each other again on Monday, and while the hanging out was nice-ish, I still really wanted to just get to the making out, which we didn't. It was yet another date with M that left me feeling distinctly dissatisfied - and not just physically, either. I realized that, while he'd be an awesome fuck buddy, he'd never work as my boyfriend. We just don't connect on an emotional level. Thankfully, with him being 25 and all, we had a perfectly cordial IM chat in which we dissolved our attempts at a relationship, and established that some no-strings sex was now a possibility.

Part of my wanting to do this had to do with the realization that I have been stifling my inner Samantha (of Sex and the City, as if that needs to be said). I'm an incredibly physical person, always have been, always will be. But I got it into my head that my sexual freedom was somehow distracting me from the important business of finding The One. I developed this theory that my enjoyment of the occasional zipless fuck was fucking up my larger goal of being in a relationship. I think this weekend, and my dating M in particular, have been about me figuring out that my little theory is utter bollocks.

For a while now I've been clumsy, unfocused, and not in the moment. In short, I've been needing a proper lay, and it's been driving me to distraction because I've been setting aside that desire in search of The One. Well fuck, that was never going to work. I've been feeling like I've lost my mojo, and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me trying to act like I'm not a sexual being.

In looking back, I got here after my divorce, when I lost my equilibrium and confused sex with love, which led to major heartbreak. I would of course want to protect myself from that kind of pain again, and I hate the idea of soulless sex, so I thought I'd do my best to hold out for The One. Problem with that is that I'd let myself get to the point of almost desperate, and then have some kind of completely non-intimate sex that was not at all satisfying. I'm finally coming around to the idea that I have no say on when that fucker's gonna show up, so while he's taking his (her... maybe) sweet time showing up, I've got needs, dammit.

This weekend reminded me that I in fact do know how to have non-relationship sex that is satisfying. Is it as good as relationship sex? Absolutely, unequivocally not. But this sex thing has been fucking up my ability to fully embrace my singleness, and even to some extent my sexuality, and I am so done with that shit. I have some really dirty, beautiful no strings sex set up for my two trips to NOLA, and I've realized that I really do need that in my life. Some will judge me for it, but I think the biggest lesson this life is teaching me is that I do my best when I follow my own path.

In all this talk about sex, I want to make it perfectly clear that I do very much want to be in a relationship. In my mind, that relationship, whenever it comes, will be wonderful and sweet, and I will fully embrace monogamy and long-term love. I feel like I'm finally becoming comfortable with these two seemingly contradictory parts of myself - the lover and the loved. For years I went about it kind of blindly, sometimes amorally, and sometimes doing things that I now regret. But I'm also realizing that I can integrate all of these aspects of me, without judgment, and without stifling. No doubt I'll still run into walls and flail about blindly, but my hope is that, by accepting myself for who I am, and living according to my morality (which values the feelings and needs of others as well as my own), that I end up with a life and a partner that I can truly enjoy and be proud of.

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