Sunday, June 13, 2010

New Rules: Intimacy Edition

The more I think about it, the more I really want to write a rule book on dating and sexual etiquette for guys. Having endured a number of unwashed balls, I present to you this list of New Rules for dating and those intimate moments:

New Rule: Check your privilege, dudebro. When polled, what women fear most about men is that you'll attack, rape, and or kill us. Guys' biggest fear is that we will laugh at you. So, yeah... not quite the same. Be understanding when we want to meet you in a public place, let a friend know where we are, or want to put the brakes on physical encounters until we know we can trust you. Our fear has been well-earned - respect it.

New Rule: If you show up looking nothing like your online photo, don't act like we're the assholes if we refuse to go out with you. Be yourself, and use up-to-date pictures with your online dating profile. While many of us don't mind a few more wrinkles or pounds on our guys, almost all of us intensely dislike liars, and we'll know you've been lying the minute we see you.

New Rule: Develop a higher standard of cleanliness in your home, at least when a woman is coming over. Remember that a woman's anatomy is designed to trap and grow life, and while the result with sperm can be beautiful, the result with your dirty sheets, your nasty toilet seats, and your germ-ridden couches is decidedly less so. Cleanliness for us is not about being picky, it's about not having to deal with cottage cheese in our underwear. Yeah, I went there.

New Rule: Wash your fucking ass and wedding tackle if you want us to play with them. Remember that women have extremely sensitive noses, and that your playground is thisclose to your waste treatment plant.

New Rule: CONDOMS without whining. I am particularly tired of men that want to have no-string sex without a condom. These men whine, "It doesn't feel the saaaame." or "I can't keep it uuuup with a condoooom." Let me tell you something - there are a number of STDs for which there are no symptoms for males, so there is a high likelihood that, if you have something, you don't know it. However, these same STDs can render women sterile, can cause painful conditions which are expensive to resolve, and, in the case of HIV, Hepatitis, and HPV, can kill. I don't want to fucking hear about your issues with condoms - your right to pleasure without responsibility ends at my right to live and have fully functioning reproductive organs. Nut up, masturbate with condoms to practice, find a brand you like, and don't make a woman ask you to put one on.

New Rule: No sexual bullying. This is real life, not a porn flick, so your desires do not supercede a woman's desires. We are not just a series of hungry holes into which you can stick your dick, and we are not responsible for your orgasms. In real life, an orgasm is one's own responsibility and starts in your own head - and if you're really lucky, you get to orgasm with someone else's delighted assistance. Pushing a woman's head down on your cock, going deeper than she's asked you to go, asking her to continue servicing your member long after her thresholds for comfort and pain have been met - these are all abusive and selfish behaviors. Don't be a dickhead - or you're gonna be a lonely dickhead.

These are obviously written from my point of view, so your miles may vary. The main point is that respecting your partner sexually by being clean and considerate will get you so much farther than assuming that anyone will simply deal with your disgusting and presumptive habits.

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