Saturday, July 3, 2010

My romantic side takes a beating...

I'm watching You've Got Mail for like, the 50th time, and I don't know why I like this movie so much. I mean, the premise is kinda silly - oooh, looky at this here new fangled technology, and how I'm using it to meet someone new. And yet... sigh. I just love the feel of the heavy romanticism. It's not at all realistic, and yet... sigh again, that's what I want. I want to be swept up in romance. I love the banter, the back and forth, the pithy one-liners and anguished looks. I love that it works out for them in the end, even though that doesn't seem to happen much for me.

I've been seeing a pretty cool guy (P) for a few weeks now, and we've been firing on all cylinders. He's good-looking, funny, random, and completely ADHD. Boy, do we have banter. He's also way into me - says I'm funny, unique, genuine, and that he was impressed when I told him to be respectful of me. Physically we moved pretty fast, which I didn't mind, but which also gave me that familiar twang of ... will he think I'm not serious about a relationship? That I don't want the romance?

Turns out, that doesn't really matter. P's married - separated, actually. They have been apart for about 8 months, something that would have been helpful to know at the beginning. They're now considering trying to get back together for the sake of their 2.5 year-old daughter, and since I don't even want to be factor in that consideration, I've bowed out. So, another one bites the dust.

In the meantime, my sister called - our dad called her and wants to talk to me. I do not want to talk to this man, I feel prickly just that he even thinks he has the right to try to talk to me or create some kind of relationship with me.

I like to say that I don't feel a lot of direct anger at him, but I do feel that I was jipped, and I am angry and sad that I don't have a father to call when I am hurt or lonely. And I hate that Father's Day is such a sad day for me. And frankly, having someone who was responsible for my botched childhood try to determine the nature of our relationship now... well, it really kinda fucking pisses me off.

Faced with these unpleasant realities, it makes sense that the escapist romanticism of a movie like You've Got Mail would be so appealing. But in real life, the men that I have wanted don't stay, can't stay, aren't right for me, or are fucking married with a kid. Maybe all the daddy talk seem like a non-sequitor, but it is most definitely related to the dating issues I have had in recent years.

Having a good father helps a woman to set an appropriate bar from the beginning. There are no guarantees in life, but when someone is used to receiving unconditional love, they usually won't stand for selfish or abusive love. For those of us that don't have the mental model of a positive male presence in our lives, we've had to learn the hard way what is and what is not appropriate behavior for a potential partner in crime.

So yeah.

Case in point: I started this post 2 weeks ago and have been hemming and hawing about it ever since. But my bedsheets smell like P's cologne again, and I know that what I wrote was right. As I was walking my dogs this morning, I was able to figure out what I couldn't put into words last night: I know this dance, and my feet hurt.

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