I hate liking someone anymore. Crushes, which are supposed to be all light and fun and shit, have become yet another fraught thing for me to over-analyze and then beat myself up with when they don't go anywhere. I actually do get that I have no control over how someone else feels about me, and this generally allows me to let go of an unrequited or an unwise crush. However, it doesn't stop me from feeling like a stupid idiot, broken from reality. I know that it is not unreasonable to hope that someone might have a mutual attraction, but dammit, those moments of vulnerability followed by disappointment feel like a kick in the nuts.
I am kind of confused at this moment because I have two fairly serious crushes, and I am feeling that vulnerability again, especially for one of them. Though this of course begs the question - can they be serious crushes if there are two? I also wonder if I'm just hedging my bets so that I don't get hurt.
Let's just say that I'm feeling most vulnerable in the scenario that represents a new emotional experience for me. There is an underlying set of circumstances that makes this crush less than ideal, but if my people reading skills are up to par, there is also some mutual attraction, which is even scarier.
Thing is, I'm not feeling lucky enough to overcome the obstacles. So here I am, feeling like a twitchy dog with an inaccessible itch, stuck again with feelings I can't act on. Fuck, I can't even hope that this will go anywhere. But that damned sexy eyebrow raise in my direction - omfgbbqbaconbutter. As my yoga instructor would say, I have found that spot of delicious discomfort.
The second crush is a person for whom I have tried - and failed - to convince myself that I don't like very much. I genuinely don't think about him all that often, shoehorned as he is in my deep subconscious. But when I do see him... dayum. It's everything I can do to not throw him on the floor and fuck him right there.
What? Stop looking at me like that.
I know, I KNOW - throwing myself at him would be bad form, so I back away, I keep my interactions short, and I try not to look too much in his general direction ('cause I gots a shitty p-p-poker face). Then after a few days I'm able to fold those thoughts back up into tiny squares of memory, mostly forgotten until the next time they explode like little origami popcorn in my head.
4 days later...
I've had a lot of internal debate about exactly which details I should include in this post, and I've been circling it like a buzzard circles a suspect piece of meat. However, being circumspect and having to write this in such a way that it makes sense to other people has helped it to make sense to me. I'm actually a little less confused at the end of this post than when I began it.
I'm thinking that I'd really like for Crush 1 to go somewhere, though if it doesn't, it won't be a total loss. And I may show up on Crush 2's doorstep with nothing but a trench coat on.* All in all, I'm a little less scared and twitchy - I know what I want, but I also know that I need to go with the flow and chill the fuck out. Maybe even try to breathe and have a little fun with all the flirting that's going on...