Monday, August 23, 2010

Slow learners learn slowly and other revelations

The Ranting Part of This Post:
Holy crap, I was like a broken record the other day. I like somebody (crush #1, if you're keeping score), and I've realized that it is not a scenario that would be healthy for me, and I swears I was all kinds of whiny and weepy about it. I seriously needed to just get over it, but I was having the hardest time. Thankfully, my head wins out in the action battle (so I'm not acting the fool all over the place), but my stupid, foolish, naive heart keeps on winning the emotional war.

It was bad enough that I got ASL's "what'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis" look, and DAYUM. I think we all benefit from friends who love us enough to smack us down when needed. I'm sure the subtext of that look was something along the lines of, "Seriously, girl - we're gonna have this discussion again?" I think she liked it better when I was all sexcapades and raunch, not emotions and weepiness.

Thankfully, having a friend patient enough to listen and provide constructive criticism helps me to make a faster turn around. However, I'd really like the lesson without the agony, m'kay? I'd really love to read the situation, immediately sense it's hopelessness, and emotionally disengage. The head's all, "Bad candidate, moving along", but the gut and the heart are all, "But are you sure? Maybe you just need to have a little faith..."

Screw that. Fuck faith - I need proof. Absent proof, this person's just another rabbit hole, and I don't need that. And while I'm at it, fuck my heart for not listening to my head. Seriously, in a quiet room all by my self, I have it all worked out, know my options (or lack thereof), and can make critical decisions based on the facts at hand. But put me in front of the object of my affection, and all critical thinking skills cease to function. All I am is a pinging, whinging, hurt, hot mess, moaning that I can't get what I want.

The kicker is that this situation is juxtaposition of a very real need (to be loved), and a very crippling inability to accord my heart with the logical conclusions of my head. Earlier, a friend posted the following comic, which totally spoke to me:

Damn if I don't feel exactly like a zombie chicken, flailing about and feeling the need to discuss every fucking detail of my life, while not articulating what it is that I really want in a way that would actually attract that which I desire.

The Reasoning Part of This Post:
Full disclosure: Crush #1 is a woman. I don't think that it is particularly shocking or revelatory that this is possible for me. I've known for a long time that, given the content of character, the packaging wouldn't matter that much to me. I've always known that I could like women, it had just never happened before.

I'm told by my lesbian friends that the first time feelings are pretty intense, and that moving on from your first is difficult (huh, yet another way in which we are all the fuck alike). So, I really do need to stop judging the emotions and give myself a goddammed break. This whole thing threw me for a loop, and that's ok.

Additionally, calling it a "crush" is a bit of a misnomer. I crush on people all the damn time, but when it gets to the point where I'd really like to date someone, I think it's safe to say that I've moved beyond crush to something more meaningful, and less adolescent, than a crush. So yeah, a little respect for my own feelings would be in order here, too.

In conclusion:
As long as I am self-aware enough not to act a fool, and as long as my friends are willing to continue to smack me about the face and neck from time to time, and as long as I respect my feelings and learn from each new situation, I'll be just fine. It's ok to feel the intensity of the emotion - good or bad - but realize that the emotion is a wave that will eventually subside, leaving behind a lesson learned.

And not that this clarification is totally necessary, but no, I have not "switched teams". It just turns out that I'm kind of on everyone's team, and what I am looking for goes far below the surface. I want to feel loved and cared for, even protected. I want someone that is smart, and kind, and funny, someone that gets my oddball sense of humor. I want the complement to my femininity and emotional nature, and while that has typically taken the form of men for me, it is, apparently, also available to me in women as well.

Man, when I put it that way, I feel pretty damn lucky.


  1. It's me, huh? :) Keep your chin up! You're an amazing woman and you'll find the right person; I know you will!

  2. LOL, I do love you, but I like my ladies a little more masculine. ;) And thanks, chica - I appreciate it.