So one of my friends read my last post and asked why I was freaking out about having a crush on someone, which made me pause. Man, I really was kinda freaking out about a fucking crush, now wasn't I? Good thing that friend wasn't in the car on my ride home with ASL. Now that - that was freaking out.
And ain't that all kinds of crazy for a crush.
Thankfully, I'm a quick study, and I think I've got a few more grains of understanding rattling around up in that noggin of mine. First, I am *really* good at relationships, but fairly new with dating (real dating, not like, falling in love with one long distance fucked up friend after another). Without any intent or conscious effort, I've been bringing Relationship Casey to the table, when I really should be bringing Dating Casey to the table.
Sure, I'd like a relationship at some point, but right now I'd really just like the opportunity to date and take it easy with someone. Unfortunately, those aren't the cards I've been showing. I don't have any hard data, but I'd be willing to bet real money that Relationship Casey intimidates the hell out of people. Or makes them think I'm all weird and intense, which is somewhat less charming than I've been aiming for.
I also tend to go into things fully open, a little too open at times, and that has to be balanced with protecting my heart. If I could figure out how to do that without feeling like a game-player, I could probably save myself a lot of pain and disappointment. I have some half-formed ideas of what that looks like, but will most likely fuck it up a few more times before I get it right. Should make for some interesting blog posts.
In addition to protection, I really do need to stop letting the past dictate my future. Unfortunately, I didn't realize how much of that was going on in ways too subtle for me to notice (subtle being relative to my rather obtuse love brain). By bringing in Relationship Casey, I'm trying to apply an old template to a new set of plans. By remembering too much the pain of past relationships, I start getting anxietous about things that should be light and fun - freaking out, as it were.
Having these realizations seep down into my consciousness actually helped me to physically and emotionally unclench. This afternoon included some light flirting with one of the crushes, and that felt so.... fun. ASL saw me giggling and being silly, and mentioned that was how I was supposed to feel with a crush.
Well, shit. That almost makes sense.