Friday, January 28, 2011

I'm your problem

To my homosexual friends - I'm sorry. Really, I am. It occurred to me the other day that people like me are the reason that people like you have problems with the general population. See, I'd be willing to bet that there are more like me - those with a sexual fluidity - than there are those like you - no fluidity, just a straight up 6 on the Kinsey scale.

I never really thought about it until recently, but I've been attracted to both sexes all of my life. In addition to the cuteboy crushes, I remember feeling funny around girls I thought were attractive. Growing up in the Jehovah's Witness congregation, I'd kissed one elder's son, and played "doctor" with another elder's daughter, mostly out of curiosity and because it felt good. However, without much internal drama, I focused on boys because that was socially - and religiously - acceptable. If I was still a Jehovah's Witness today, I'd focus on men exclusively, with very little thought to the other side of the fence.

If I had to guess, I'd bet a lot of these religious types who say that sexuality is a preference are telling the truth - their truth, which happens to include this sexual fluidity. A lot of people assume that if something is true for themselves, it is true for everyone else - which actually is almost never the case, but which might explain why they feel it is so easy to do away with those "sinful" tendencies.

I hear a lot of dialogue in gay circles about the fact that sexuality is hardwired, which for many is true, but which is also problematic because it is an incomplete picture. I am not hardwired in any one direction, and I have a fuckton of choice. When I was younger and more religious, I had no problem focusing on guys. I'm no longer a JW, and when I became disillusioned by the dating pool, I decided to check out what was going on in the girls' locker room. I literally woke up one day and decided to date women.

And that is why I'm you're problem, my gay friends. People like me are where the gay rights movement gets it wrong. I'm in a gay relationship because I chose to be in one. There are people in the world who have a choice in gender as it regards their heart, and some of those people are judgmental, myopic, religious assholes who can't think beyond their own experience to imagine that it could possibly be different for anyone else. And unfortunately, some of those people are given a stage and a microphone and a budget with which to spew their bile. The gay movement cannot be similarly myopic and assume that no one has a choice, as if bisexuality is only ever that last stop on the train to Gaytown.

Clearly, it is vital to discuss the fact that for many people there is no choice, but that can't be the only focus. This is not just about that. The fact of the matter is, choices or no, people are people, dammit. We should demand equal footing because of our fucking humanity, not because our lack or wealth of choice. While there are specific sources online, I maintain that there needs to be more talk of sexual fluidity in the general discussion of gay rights, and not just as it concerns Lindsey Lohan (or on Oprah, where I begrudgingly admit that I first heard the phrase "sexual fluidity"). Until that time, people like me will continue to be a problem for people like you - our choice will continue to be held over your heads until both DNA and choice are viewed as perfectly valid reasons to love someone.

So anyway, that's my "aha" moment for this week.

ETA - Re-reading this makes me realize that I've been in a bit of a bubble, both lately (because I'm soooo in loooove) and in general (because of my previously mostly straight-ish lifestyle). While I've pretty much always felt that gay rights and equality were important for society in general, having a girlfriend has suddenly made this a lot more personal. Coming out of my hetero-normative bubble has been eye-opening, and while that in itself is an experience that is (in my opinion) worthy of writing down, the fact is that I'm just now realizing things that other people have known for a while.

I'm getting ahead of myself with phrases like, "this is where the gay rights movement gets it wrong", and frankly, as I look around the blogosphere, there are a number of people that have been having discussions on sexual fluidity - I just hadn't stopped snogging my girlfriend to have a look around. In short, the content stands, but the knowier-than-thou attitude that kinda cropped up there can hopefully be examined and then shown the door.


  1. My girlfriend would like for me to note that since we're together, I no longer have any choice in the matter. True dat. ;)

  2. your mine babe, all mine. :D

  3. I'm like 95% straight - but it wouldn't be 'unfathomable' for me to be in a homosexual relationship. I imagine for people who are 95% gay, that 5% option might seem pretty tempting.

  4. Very good point. And hi, AD-LT (friend of Ms. Rose, I assume)!